6 Nov 2009
The mascot piece has slipped away , it is so shameful that I didn't have an energy to pick it up. Coldness renders the fingers as marks of gooseflesh.
Since it is,
and it means,
Never did notice the monotony wraith baffling the brains wrinkles, stealing my concentration faculty.
Humble attempts to spin reeds instead of wool, normally, that would make pricks, so by any means, I can notice that wraith some soon minute.
So weird to say, but I recently realized that reed is better than wool in bringing warmness *passion* . simple stuff gives people life.
Reed.. Rain.. Iraq.. All of them leave a huge space when the true morales are not shown, and when the balderdash is appointed the chairman.
I miss Iraq while I am in my own Iraq.. *Crossroads*
Janus! The door is on the jar, waiting to release every freedom pleasedly.
"Random words.. so much to talk about especially that your voice echo still follows my hair waves everywhere I go.
Unstable desires explain good reasons , they were unforgettable days."
* THANK GOD*
Thank you all, something you gave, so much could save.
Baba called us yesterday, the last medical report says that my mother is completely recovered..
Mama called us today, talked to everyone, I have not heard her voice for two months, things refused to strengthen the tongue to speak, but things finally have obeyed.
Thanks for everyone prayed for us, everyone thought of us, thanks for your support and encouragement. Thanks so much!
The mascot piece rolls..
We had many bad haird days, and we cried so loud. Now, we are happy, and we look forward to the future, look up to her name which is so high, which is saved in our hearts, our souls and which submerges with our blood drops.
The most precious person.
Balance of mind my mom taught us incinerates the difficulties. And I.. I did all my best, never kept any iota for me or my own.. never..
Like if the light kindly lolls down. A dark sky.. lightning.. thunder..
Oh, how macabrely thunder had frightened me! And winds storming used to tease me and lumber my chamber of confused intentions. But this time, all brought good news.
Pain matrix.. I know it is still existed..still here and almost everywhere.. But I need a pause, there's a jolt to let everything come to its suitable place. I admit, lately I found out I had established many places for anarchy in my life style and it led me to be in a very bad temper, so hard to create a "mutation", but the bright side is what I need is only "arrangement" and "mutation" will be very well done.
Altough it may appear so close to bring noise, but I just like it,
I'm so glad for my sister, I see her doing well in the school , I was scared to death in the beginning! As if it was my homework and my study, but she always hints to my past, and her usual and favourite question to any teacher in the first meeting is :
" Madame? Madame? Do you know my sister?"
*And talking starts about Sandybelle*
Nowadays, mightily I become happy to hold a textbook and keep teaching my sisters and giving them pieces of advice, as if you would understand completely that I was in love with textbooks..(Such an irony)!
What always gave me headache that may make anyone looking for a bandeau here or there to wear, now, it gives me happiness, especailly when I listen to their voices tunes praising my excellent (as they say) teaching and saying "Why don't you become a teacher? Why don’t you come to our class and teach us and our classmates there? We all will get the full marks!".. With great honour, I repeat it again, "spoiled sisters".
Every day my sister brgins me my teacher's greetings and best wishes, with offers of help, because I was not only a student, not only a friend, not only a daughter , vut also someone they all feel proud of and remember with smiles. They remember all my banterings.
It was my jaw breaker to say "I love the school" , but now, I really do say it with such a confidence, " I love the school".
Hmmm ,something else I should admit, I AM IN LOVE WITH TEACHING and really it is one of my dreams to stand before a bunch of students and drawing many letters on the board ;however teaching devices have developed and maybe in my time there'll be no need for a board pen in Iraq.
*but* I AM IN LOVE WITH MEDICINE TOO, my mom has actually solved it by saying " you should study so hard so you can be a professor in the college, you'll find many students to teach there. Like me and your dad" she is totally right with this, and I'll be free with any teaching way I take on.
However, I made my choice, it's so hard, medicine , the goal that tells to sacrifice and remember the humane feelings that some people almost forgot.
Only what remained of this holiday الي مفتهمت منها شي طبعا
Is *one week*, and I think I'll spend it by : sleeping, cooking, playing by the jigsaw puzzles and lamenting my destiny that I couldn't go to the amusement city to enjoy the merry-go-round :D
Many things became like a so far mirage, it only helps to mull and put an end by a conclusion, there are other miens we have.
There is a city I pray to visit, where I like to wear alabaya with two books , some places to long for and stay in for a very long while. Just to feel a right I really innerly miss..
The other night, covering my little sister with a thick blanket , I could know it.
this post was written last night, when I received an unexpected email from someone I love so much.
26 Oct 2009
21 Oct 2009
Hmmm, It’s a path I have already learnt walking ..
Feelings attack. Yes, let the music start and let it be reborn..
"yore" , not weird to smile and repeat.
Well, there are little girls everywhere, intending to cry and scream, "have I screamed the same day? "I ask myself . " oh, I remember, mom came with me, no, I didn’t scream, but I was afraid of many things, afraid that I might not be able to bring nunu my favorite doll,I might meet people I had not known. Yes, all that happened, but it passed, heavenly whispers!" I add.
Stickers are held in some hand. Its another once to feel, I miss myself..
How we could wait for the car, to look at the people passing us by. Never dreamed of slowing down to catch this moment.. to remember… all turned to memories.. other goodies are pushed aside.
Did we know, how hearts beat so hard? so quickly? how breathings dance throughout the lungs? Or how the molecules make aesthetics , accure and run to find an alcove.
Alas! Good things I forgot to do, forgot to remember to do, and good things I didn’t notice. I can see all this only now and..emm.. and I can understand it. Good people have gone, and good people will be got. only praying for a peaceful termintation is enough to acknowledge I should be glad.
Rest in peace!you are just so free and no sack will surround you till you get sick of freedom and prefer returning to the bodies.
You are just so free.
Now , I realize and believe in their power.
" home.. fire.. pipe.. beak.. boat.. way" the first words I learnt in school.
One morning, before all my school pupils, I had to yodel. There were many seducing descants I was ready to hear, and I did so well indeed. time can never let any of them be missed.. they still do their echo.
Not a miracle to be able to remember, it was not ark age.. it was only eleven years ago..
Once we had a lesson , a new text to learn writing and more terms, it was about a boy and how he had a dream of visiting a forest and meeting all the animals there.. I avouch it made me believed in satyr . and nowadays, I miss all those beliefs even though the matter tells me to start a speech of sarcasm!
To enter the school, hmm, not a big deal, even no need to take off my shoes!
The same voice is heard, leads me to shuttle.. " I am .. I cant.. how..hmm" soliloquizing the self..
No help, nothing can be avoided, and I cant hide inside myself.
"Emergence.. hmmm. Many times I tried to show, to prove its being close to my emotions, Could it belong to people? To me? I am one of them!
"ouch! I see I should stop thinking. Its like ways inside this stiff head became so adhesive!".
"Good morning!" I begin.
The headmistress stands and in return, '' good morning!".
Exchanged looks into the eyes.
"Shams??" she adds.
"yes." An answer.
Sympathetic usual deeds by a wonderful ma'am. First, I think I have got used and maybe bored of all that, but it happens, and the feelings attack is back!
" how are you? Where are you? Your family? No one is with you.. where are your parents? Sisters?"
-it was my and it is my sisters' primary school-
Telling a little part of the story. eyes become wet. No hand to dry them out.
"and i just came today to ask about the lessons, classes and to take SR's -my sister which is 11 years old- personal card. Its her turn to leave this happy place. She has been accepted to the same secondary school that I had joined. Other thing of my own, a job to register her officially!" I add.
"schools are bequeathed" she says with a smile!
Conversation follows, then, tears of good-bye.
Damn! Why its hard to say good-bye?!!!!
….. steps are equal to each other. Made by high heel shoes, just to show my normal age, not less, not more..
"Shams? Do you know how long you made me wait?" the driver blames!
"oh , you , please, not your turn to admonish. Please.. " I try to declaim.
"ok .. ok .. I am sorry!ok , I swear this wont be repeated, you are free, you can spend all the times you need while I am waiting." an unneeded apology with unexpected words, I think he got a lot to learn talking too much!
Then, to my secondary school which is now "was my secondary school".
"Shams!" the guard says.
To be honest, I didn’t wish to see him and…and I don’t know why.
" yore!" I think again.
Other feelings rebound after an attack against the heart and mind's walls.. and myth has it that heart and mind don’t know peripfery. The myth shimmers while the lashes flutter.
Another sound of a voice calling me.. a teacher.
" oh, ma'am!" I start with ladies behaviors.
Girls I knew show simper that my emotions snooze!
She is one of those I love so much, for three years I have known her, and only what was known is that she is angry most of the time, but for me, it was a good way to destroy a barrier.. I just love her.
Other teachers come and gather around me, the ashen spots of the skirt seem to turn to silver.
The only question I remember very well " how did you spend Eid? Without your parents? Without your relatices!" and I was like " Ordinary days!".
It’s a derelict home.. the acme that I always look up to.
A Snuff.. remains of a candle has been lighting up since I was born..
No worries! It’s a kind of pleasure I used to be!
"Everything is done. Let me go home.. maybe little sisers are still asleep. It’s the first day, but my turn to come to see how things are going.. such spoiled siblings!" lol.
A mirror,a reflection on the wall, normal phenomenon, I don’t know why I care at all.
I come to check this place almost 24 times a day and did never pay attention! This time, I care..if I have a look upon the reflection and sing doesn’t mean I take more than I give.. I have been waiting this minute. "let me step back and mention other people. I guess I am worthy of all HE gave me. I did my job.. such an experience! So huge!".
I have been looking for warm places, I have been following growth of a leaf, and have been contemplating. *things I had made fun of once.
Mom is back!!
Tired, weak body, unable to eat with sore tongue and pharynx, unable to speak, alive with liquids. That’s how she is.. chemo and radio therapies side effects.. it needs time to recover completely. Danger is away now ,this is the great thing I was waiting.
The main thing I kept talking of is I have the right to vote in the soon elections!!
Spend nights awake. As an average, 8 days with 30 hours of sleeping.. no matter, mom is here.. she is back to us.. back to me..and other duty is to take care of her.
Daddy, someone I missed so much but no matter what happens, I am not going to tell him how much I love him. Yes, I will never do.
Petriffactions of those hard times will always call for God's power to be sent in any time I need it.
There is a difference between the black and white, and also between the azure and orange! Other lies I trusted.
I've been sad for whiles , now, I know I should find some antidote, its right that heart's parts can't be agglutinated, but through the peephole I may see the light!
It was a period I lived, period makes me unwilling to learn about any apobgue, real stories give so much more, stories we feel and tell.
It may lead the goals to be spread pell-mell, but not a long time till they get united, get arranged … delectation..
Ladies and gentlemen, "she agonized and she got analgesia!".
Many things are considered now so pall. There is so much to learn, so much to be healed.
No one I know as well as me have leant palmistry ; however, I am not doing the least to learn, just surprises should appear, and all I must do is WAITING.
The paramount dream of the seventeen years has come true!
Let me clean the roads, and get well-dressed, it’s an hour to start a new life.
"Pantheism , Causality, Altruism" and something known as "parchment".. factors are produced.
Brushing my siser's hair and caressing her before leaving have the wonderful taste.
Right now, there's a question,
" if I reached the apogee what would I do??" ..lol!
There is an aria..
P.S special thanks go to Zak, my godfather.
19 Sep 2009
Tripping, while jumping to this little chair, *signing in* .. hehehe.
It seems like the same tripping that happened last Eid, but that was different, yes, in the morning, just wanted to close my dad's eyes, frighten him and say " lak halaw!!!!! sabah al-kheir!! ayyamkum sa'eeda!!" (= hey hello! good morning! happy days!).
No, no, no. hmmm, ok, its easier now to bite my index finger, blaming my sole and remembering what happened later, I just leaned against him, and he said " kul a'am winti bkheir" (= may you be happy every year).
I am planning to do something with the little two fairies whom I have, living with me, capturing my heart!!!
15 Sep 2009
In the beginning, I was surprised with that suggestion, you are always busy with college and students. but now, I am not , I just can understand, you always want us to see the happy places, always want us to see the beauty..
Dad! I love you!
5 Sep 2009
Man-alsma, Iraqi kind of dessert.
Al-turshana. I actually dont know what to describe.. let me say it's a broth. its so sweet. it includes apricots.
Al-bryani, one of the best Iraqi meals, which i have learnt to prepare lately :D
Al-Shwrja market in Baghdad.. one of the greatest markets in Iraq.
Fasting means to stop eating and drinking since sunrise (when there is a meal called al-suhur) till dusk (al-futur).
Here's something about Ramadan in Iraq.
The Iraqi families every year get ready for Ramadan.. The most important thing is shopping. Markets become crowded of people in order to provide all the needs, especially food like meat, spices, legumes and the necessary powder for the simple dessert -that the Iraqi lady enjoys preparing for the evening- although the prices get rised.
And first of all, all the Iraqis hope that Ramdan nights will be free from explosions and full of safety and comfort..
Also hope that the politician leaders will devote their desires for nothnig except our home. With generosity, sacrifice and mercy. Away from all the conflicts and hatred. And surely, to leave the space for everybody to pursue his worship freely.
The Iraqi markets swarm with different kinds of foodstuffs which come from forgein sources . deluxe types of rice, juices, flour ,canned foods , desserts and pastries.
Many TV series are displayed on TV, but not all the Iraqis can get the chance to follow because of the continuos cut of the electricity , and the responsible authorities promised to improve the power, they did , but not perfectly. The administrative corruption is the reason.
Many families seek the help of the private generators that they own in their houses, or private lines whose origin is a main big generator provides the particular neighborhood.
Some families go to the resturants for al-futur and enjoy walking in the streets during the night. They became a bit safer than before.
This Ramadan there are series of (Radhi's diaries) and the second season of (seven sisters) which are very funny and displayed on al-iraqiyya channel, I watch them but not every day :D
In Ramadan, the most famous game is al-mheibes (the ring) .. Popularity to a great extent, and it takes its turn of interest. Old and young men participate, since after al-futur till sunrise.. teams from different places all around Iraq come and compete. With foloklore inspiriations, folk dances, Baghdadi style of music, and even football matches in local playgrounds.
This game contains a rivalry between two teams. Each team consists of about 50 players. The aim is to hide the ring in some hand and a member from the other team should try to find it.. my sisters and I many times play this game.. so much fun.
For example, in Baghdad , teams come from Al-kadhumyya, al-a'dhamyya, baghdad al-jdeeda, philisteen street, and al-sadr city..
The main goal of this game is to strengthen all peace, love, and hope relations..and this really what I hope for..
Let the Iraqis be always happy .. Let them smile.. Enjoy their smiles!!!
Sandybelle te re!!!
30 Aug 2009
Not the first time I felt of my nose so cold, not the first time I felt my body frozen, and not the first time I needed a strength to close my eyes.
It was "yes" , tomorrow was back!
To trust my fate, to trust my ways, and my days.
"At least, he doesn’t doubt my love .." and I don’t need to call him.. I have to learn more, to get the ability and the suitable features to invoke his blessed soul. He had gone hundreds years ago, but I am sure, he was somewhere there.. somewhere I couldn’t see nor grope, but now, I do.. I am OK.
I believe it will never happen again, and I will never ask for anymore. It was too enough for me..yes, enough.
I always wondered, when, where and how to reach him. Today, its all due to him, and I don’t need to wonder at all.. I am just thanking him.. he was the reason to awake me.. O Lord!! Tell him that I am fine!! Tell him please!!
It was so complex, and fear captured me.. like cannibals were in a city, and I was there, it was so hot, and I demanded a canopy.. realization that caging my emotions as well as my cries was so hard, but I had to cling, I had to be collected.
Hmmm, its something calls me to itch my skin .. As if somebody tried to calminate my reputation, somebody was full of energy, and only ready to say that I was weak and I must never be depended on. and I was angry, it was all lies.. inwardly, I may laugh for it all was about a nightmare, and for why I am typing this now. Maybe because I am willing to study orthography.. maybe.. let these fingertips do what they like to do.. they should take their chance..
When my dad talked to me, he clearly noticed that I was ill, and he kept asking me why and when.. he kept urging me to take medicine and in the beginning, I ignored his advice, I just dislike the medicine, later, I found it unbreakable, all the matter was unbreakable.
In my bed, I kept thinking and raving, unfortunately, I cant remember my words. The carousal, the cardigan that I really needed, it suddenly became cold.. I think I can chuckle this moment.. :D
My little sisters kept preparing food for me in very beautiful plates, -I was sick, and I should have been taking food in special dishes, just like any princess.. oh , what a great idea lol !!-
Actually, my parents' friends bring us Iraqi food for every day of Ramadan, each day for each family. it was a great feeling to realize people's love towards you.. so great to know how wonderful, amazing and nice your parents are!!!
So , all my sisters' job was to put the food in a proper way. :D
And all my job was to nibble my meal..
In the night, my goal was how to let me little nouna (my youngest sister) sleep well. She was so afraid about me, and kept praying all night long.. I asked her to sit next to me, but not so near, and I kept singing, oh! she liked the lullably.
It was the next night, just when the sleeping started sneaking, the same nightmare began to repeat the events.. I was scared and refused to sleep. That opaque importunity had to disappear..
These are the blessed days that I waited for so long, to live them with a bit of comprehension. It shouldn’t be like a normal annual custom, to wake up early, stop eating when the sun rises and when you hear the caller in the mosque.. and the questions about the tenor behind, and why God offered an excuse for those who cant fast for a reason or another. These were questions, I am doing my best to help.
" it’s a blessed day.. a blessed day.." when another little horror's shadow began to come closer, I said and followed by my favorite verse from the holly Qur'an. I couldn’t observe it, all what I think " it was an attempt to crawl" !
Just another fable .. expect tomorrow to come back!
When I was sick,whom I needed was my mother.. I really needed her..
Midday, my cousin (from my mom's side) called me. A trembling voice led my heart to beat quickly. All what I used to hear with trembling voices is bad news. And all my thoughts danced lightly to find a suitable answer for the so many questions. What might be happening?
-hello!!!!!!! How are you G, my eyes! (an attempt to sound normal like if everything should be ok.. and my eyes, Iraqi cute way in talking, like my dear in English ; however, my dear means Azizti in Iraqi)
- Wht do you think? Am I ok? Shams. R, R is in hospital.. my sister is in hospital..
- have not you switched on the television? Shams.. explosion, expolsion..
- what? No, I have not watched the TV yet.but..
(she interrupted me)
-Shams, I have to go..
With trembling hands, I switched on the TV, and saw the reporter speaking about a series of explosions.
My sisters hurried towards me, with water, it seemed like everything came to be so dark.. so dark..
At 10:47 I called my aunt to ask about R. She said
" R was with her colleages in the ground floor, talking about Ramadan, shopping and how hard work might be. They were laughing at each other while preparing for a work journey.. –of course, they were unable to see what would happen, unable to understand how painfully their little dreams would be ruined, ruined with damned pieces of metal!! –
R was surrounded by her friends .. a nice work team!
Fate was that her colleages would be like human armors. She fell down..
Later, police cars, ambulances, fire engines, arrived.. Rescures entered the destroyed building.. they began to inspect, seeking for survivors.l they found R.
Immediately, they came and carried her asking her not look around. She couldn’t obey, and looked..
Brains, legs, arms, chests and scalps everywhere..
Burnt people, and pieces of glass..
She fell uncounsious, and later, found herself in the hospital..
I called my other aunt (my dad's sister) to know if they got something bad or not. My aunt lives in 14th ramadan street, and said that their house kept shaking. the windows and the doors, although it is not that near to the main explosions areas.
her daughter (who is a doctor works in madeenat al-tib 'city of medicine') in Baghdad told me that doctors teams were so confused because of the many dangerous cases. She said that the blood was everywhere in the hospital and that women's cries were heard all the times, wounded men's wail was so touching..it was a really very bad day.
Not only the people who worked in the ministries were hurt , but also people whose houses and flats are near and so near to the ministries. Most of them are very poor and hardly can get wages to keep their lives.. lives with such a great selfsteem..
Poor ones are the hospitals of Iraq. They cant offer the good care to the vitctims, and they always witness catastrophes, always..
For a long time, war inspirations captured our caution, and for a long time the tear didn’t leave our cheeks.. is it because of its insistance? Or because of the smile's fear to remain for too long???!
updating : last night, my cousin R's sister, called me, she told me that their family and many of R's friends' families have donated money for the poor families. it leads me eyes to wet when I hear such news.. but, on the other hand, one of R's best friends had to amputate her legs, when she has done, her fiance soon called her telling her that he is not able to continue life with her for any longer :-( :-( :-(