21 Oct 2009


So tranquille, so fine.
Hmmm, It’s a path I have already learnt walking ..
Feelings attack. Yes, let the music start and let it be reborn..

"yore" , not weird to smile and repeat.

Well, there are little girls everywhere, intending to cry and scream, "have I screamed the same day? "I ask myself . " oh, I remember, mom came with me, no, I didn’t scream, but I was afraid of many things, afraid that I might not be able to bring nunu my favorite doll,I might meet people I had not known. Yes, all that happened, but it passed, heavenly whispers!" I add.
Stickers are held in some hand. Its another once to feel, I miss myself..
How we could wait for the car, to look at the people passing us by. Never dreamed of slowing down to catch this moment.. to remember… all turned to memories.. other goodies are pushed aside.

Did we know, how hearts beat so hard? so quickly? how breathings dance throughout the lungs? Or how the molecules make aesthetics , accure and run to find an alcove.
Alas! Good things I forgot to do, forgot to remember to do, and good things I didn’t notice. I can see all this only now and..emm.. and I can understand it. Good people have gone, and good people will be got. only praying for a peaceful termintation is enough to acknowledge I should be glad.

Good souls..
Rest in peace!you are just so free and no sack will surround you till you get sick of freedom and prefer returning to the bodies.
You are just so free.

Now , I realize and believe in their power.

" home.. fire.. pipe.. beak.. boat.. way" the first words I learnt in school.

One morning, before all my school pupils, I had to yodel. There were many seducing descants I was ready to hear, and I did so well indeed. time can never let any of them be missed.. they still do their echo.

Not a miracle to be able to remember, it was not ark age.. it was only eleven years ago..
Once we had a lesson , a new text to learn writing and more terms, it was about a boy and how he had a dream of visiting a forest and meeting all the animals there.. I avouch it made me believed in satyr . and nowadays, I miss all those beliefs even though the matter tells me to start a speech of sarcasm!

To enter the school, hmm, not a big deal, even no need to take off my shoes!

The same voice is heard, leads me to shuttle.. " I am .. I cant.. how..hmm" soliloquizing the self..

No help, nothing can be avoided, and I cant hide inside myself.

"Emergence.. hmmm. Many times I tried to show, to prove its being close to my emotions, Could it belong to people? To me? I am one of them!

"ouch! I see I should stop thinking. Its like ways inside this stiff head became so adhesive!".


"Good morning!" I begin.
The headmistress stands and in return, '' good morning!".

Exchanged looks into the eyes.

"Shams??" she adds.

"yes." An answer.
Sympathetic usual deeds by a wonderful ma'am. First, I think I have got used and maybe bored of all that, but it happens, and the feelings attack is back!

" how are you? Where are you? Your family? No one is with you.. where are your parents? Sisters?"

-it was my and it is my sisters' primary school-

Telling a little part of the story. eyes become wet. No hand to dry them out.

"and i just came today to ask about the lessons, classes and to take SR's -my sister which is 11 years old- personal card. Its her turn to leave this happy place. She has been accepted to the same secondary school that I had joined. Other thing of my own, a job to register her officially!" I add.

"schools are bequeathed" she says with a smile!

Conversation follows, then, tears of good-bye.

Damn! Why its hard to say good-bye?!!!!

….. steps are equal to each other. Made by high heel shoes, just to show my normal age, not less, not more..

"Shams? Do you know how long you made me wait?" the driver blames!
"oh , you , please, not your turn to admonish. Please.. " I try to declaim.
"ok .. ok .. I am sorry!ok , I swear this wont be repeated, you are free, you can spend all the times you need while I am waiting." an unneeded apology with unexpected words, I think he got a lot to learn talking too much!

Then, to my secondary school which is now "was my secondary school".

"Shams!" the guard says.
To be honest, I didn’t wish to see him and…and I don’t know why.

" yore!" I think again.
Other feelings rebound after an attack against the heart and mind's walls.. and myth has it that heart and mind don’t know peripfery. The myth shimmers while the lashes flutter.

Another sound of a voice calling me.. a teacher.
" oh, ma'am!" I start with ladies behaviors.
Girls I knew show simper that my emotions snooze!

She is one of those I love so much, for three years I have known her, and only what was known is that she is angry most of the time, but for me, it was a good way to destroy a barrier.. I just love her.

Other teachers come and gather around me, the ashen spots of the skirt seem to turn to silver.
The only question I remember very well " how did you spend Eid? Without your parents? Without your relatices!" and I was like " Ordinary days!".

Shrunk arteries..
Simmering blood..
Thrown detritus...
It’s a derelict home.. the acme that I always look up to.
A Snuff.. remains of a candle has been lighting up since I was born..
No worries! It’s a kind of pleasure I used to be!

"Everything is done. Let me go home.. maybe little sisers are still asleep. It’s the first day, but my turn to come to see how things are going.. such spoiled siblings!" lol.

Back home..
A mirror,a reflection on the wall, normal phenomenon, I don’t know why I care at all.
I come to check this place almost 24 times a day and did never pay attention! This time, I care..if I have a look upon the reflection and sing doesn’t mean I take more than I give.. I have been waiting this minute. "let me step back and mention other people. I guess I am worthy of all HE gave me. I did my job.. such an experience! So huge!".
I have been looking for warm places, I have been following growth of a leaf, and have been contemplating. *things I had made fun of once.

Days pass..

Mom is back!!
Tired, weak body, unable to eat with sore tongue and pharynx, unable to speak, alive with liquids. That’s how she is.. chemo and radio therapies side effects.. it needs time to recover completely. Danger is away now ,this is the great thing I was waiting.
The main thing I kept talking of is I have the right to vote in the soon elections!!

Spend nights awake. As an average, 8 days with 30 hours of sleeping.. no matter, mom is here.. she is back to us.. back to me..and other duty is to take care of her.
Daddy, someone I missed so much but no matter what happens, I am not going to tell him how much I love him. Yes, I will never do.

Petriffactions of those hard times will always call for God's power to be sent in any time I need it.

There is a difference between the black and white, and also between the azure and orange! Other lies I trusted.

I've been sad for whiles , now, I know I should find some antidote, its right that heart's parts can't be agglutinated, but through the peephole I may see the light!

It was a period I lived, period makes me unwilling to learn about any apobgue, real stories give so much more, stories we feel and tell.
It may lead the goals to be spread pell-mell, but not a long time till they get united, get arranged … delectation..

Ladies and gentlemen, "she agonized and she got analgesia!".

Many things are considered now so pall. There is so much to learn, so much to be healed.
No one I know as well as me have leant palmistry ; however, I am not doing the least to learn, just surprises should appear, and all I must do is WAITING.

The paramount dream of the seventeen years has come true!
Let me clean the roads, and get well-dressed, it’s an hour to start a new life.
College.. medicine..

(Panoramic pause)..


"Pantheism , Causality, Altruism" and something known as "parchment".. factors are produced.
Brushing my siser's hair and caressing her before leaving have the wonderful taste.

Right now, there's a question,
" if I reached the apogee what would I do??" ..lol!

There is an aria..



P.S special thanks go to Zak, my godfather.


Sam said...

hellos Girl,
its so good to hear back from u here, since u've been gone like forever!
well Sandybelle, can u plz tell me wat the word "Icarian" means?it sounds so sweet!lol bt idk if its in english dectionary, or its in another language!!
high heel shoes!lol girl, be careful while u walkin!lol
im so glad that mom came back and i realy hope she gets better asap!
girl like u doesnt deserve any kind of pains!
emmm, if i get sick, will u treat me for free?even though i got my bro and sis r docs too, bt im gonna make deal with u, i'll do any computers engineering for u for free in return!!lol
i wish u very bright future Sandybelle, cuz u seem a great girl who holded and tolerated all the painful period alone and bravely with no giving up..
God bless u girl..

Touta said...


its great to read one of your posts, and best wishes to your mother.

its humbling to see the responsibility you have taken on, and congratulations of getting into college!!

love and best wishes

Ali said...

يرادلج بسطه, واخيرا يا شمس كتبتي بوست!!!مو وكع قلبي والله
كلت بس لا ماتت
اشاقه عيناي, ديري بالج على نفسج, واحب اكول انو انتي بهالبوست كالعاده, اسلوب رومانسي خيالي رقيق وعاطفي
كلج حنان وادب وايمان وذوق
تحياتي شمسنا ولتتوقفي عن الكتابه ابد ابد
كلماتج وحجيج اكبر من عمرج يا بنيه ولغتج الانكليزيه مال وحده من الخارج
دكواااااااااااا الخشببببببببب
احب مواهبج

zak said...


thanks to you shams

you made me feel im human
you made me feel that there still kindness in the hearts of people from a land shrouded in files of wars

take care kid

Johny said...

Oh Shams, thank God sincerely because you are safe and fine, I really missed you and you really made me feel so worried about you, please, dont take a long while absent again, you know very well how much we love you and how much we are proud of you and want to share you all your words, feelings and events.
its one of your best posts, the way you explaining the times, and concentrating on simple things while more importants ones can be found and focused on. very well. very good job!

keep writing miss, you will be on the top soon.
Congratulations for achieving a dream! many will follow, and you'll see, because you have something rare and special, and you have faith in your deeds.
May God bless you.

waiting for more posts.

Al-Basri said...

Hello shammosa, thank God you are back.
congratulations for all the good things.
you are as usual, sweet and inspired. stay safe and im waiting for more of your writings.

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear you are back. keep your blog updated, your posts are beautiful.

Yasser said...

hi dr.shams
happy to see your new post.
so your life now is arias and ocarinas with sad and joyful tunes gathered to consist this nice post. thank god for your mom safe, be patient, it is just awhile to be completely healthy. big CONGRATULATIONS for achieving the dream of the seventeen years, so let me call you dr.shams from now on.( أي يابة بعد حتى ساندي نستهه) . you asked " if i reached the apogee what would i do??" and my humble answer is “ to stay on the apogee is more harder than reach it, and remember that there is always a new apogees to climb on”.
i saw you had engaged yourself in memories so i remember this verses of nazik al-malaikah titled “memories”
كان ليل , كانت الأنجم لغزا لا يحلّ
كان في روحي شيء صاغه الصمت المملّ
كان في حسّي تخدير ووعي مضمحلّ
كان في الليل جمود لا يطاق
كانت الظلمة أسرارها تراق
كنت وحدي لم يكن يتبع خطوي غير ظلي
أنا وحدي , أنا والليل الشتائيّ..وظلي
لم أكن أحلم لكن كان في عينيّ شيء
لم أكن أبسم لكن كان في روحي ضوء
لم أكن أبكي لكن كان في نفسي نوء
مرّ بي تذكار شيء لا يحدّ
بعض شيء ما له قبل وبعد
ربّما كان خيالا صاغه فكري وليلي
وتلفتّ ولكن لم أقابل غير ظلّي
with my best wishes,

Judie said...

Nice to see you are back again, with these great and inspiring words. May God bless you, I keep following your blog, it adds so much to my life.

Anonymous said...

love it :)... keep the hard work dear....

Sandybelle said...

Thank friends for all your sweet words. they made my day!

Icarian belongs to Icaros, he is someone has gone too far with flying in the very ancient Greek legends.

it seems like impossible to think for any little while without the shadow of sandybelle!lol
شلون انساها, اكو واحد ينسه اصله, ههههههههههههههههه
لا عيوني دخيل الله, لا دكتوره ولا شي خلينه على ساندي بل, على شمس احسن..دون القاب عيوني انتو.
مكتلي ياسر, شلونك؟ شخبارك؟ شلونها الكليه؟ ان شاء الله كلشي تمام يارب

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