28 Jul 2009

Ya ba'ad umri..

"To my daughter .. Shams.. my life's sunshine"
This was written in my mom's PhD thesis , exactly, the gratitude section.. I was arranging the books and re-read it.. trembling released my heart from being lost.

" I will need your help in the bathroom" mom demanded.

A glimpse of a drop's shadow was wonderful.. it was so nice to see everything starts to glimmer.

" just like what was happening in the past, you would sit on the little chair, and I would cover your body with soap and water, later, you would laugh and sneeze, many wanted you not to grow up, many wanted you to stay the little funny baby, the cheerful doll.. I never thought that you would do the same for me. Sandybelle, oh Sandybelle! ". she said.

Her words were so clear , and never needed a glossary, but it's my mind that got nothing that moment.

"what is written in the stars cant be changed nor altered" I answered. " mom, I always trusted the gnome,i always thought of the truth that might be seen in the sky, but now, I wonder, was all it written? did it have to be?? or.. ok, i dont know, mom, i just missed you and i think i am not able to miss you any longer. Hades my life is without you and .., i cant breathe without you, heal without you nor be without you"

"but I am always with you. you dont need to mention the Hades Sandybelle" she interrupted me.." you will never be without me, maybe distance supposes our being away from each other, but i am with you, i trust you, i believe you and i love you. you are my daughter, MY FIRST DAUGHTER.. life can be hard many times, but i dont feel afraid about you, YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE MY STRENGTH SOURCE"..

" the globe seems very small sometimes.. i can see nothing in the far skyline but my eyelashes. mom, i am tired, i miss my life, i miss myself and i miss you.. mom, motherhood is so hard and this time, i confess, i am young, i am too young." tears in my eyes..

" young and so great" dad always says.

" mom, the evil's carol is sung every night.. you always tell me how proud you are, but.. I .. I .. will anyone help me understand?help me stand by the light or catch the wind?"

Then, a tremor was called up .. the same one that was called when i laid on my sister's bed with fever, and felt of the siblings' hands on my front, how kind they were!! they harriedly brought flowers and put them around the pillow , " yes, just like the sleeping beauty" ..

" Sandybelle, do you want to come with me this time? "

" NO, once, i wanted to know how you love me, now, i know.. i have many chances to be with you in the future, i have many chances to grin , to compare the days, to run , to fly and hug you.. no, TWO MONTHS period is nothing.. yes, nothing.. we shouldnt accompany you, no, all what you should do mom is to take care of yourself, and eat well.. its..


" the medicine you take is... ok, mom , i am NOT WEAK and i can never be.. the cobwebs are going to be eliminated ..it sounds so hard and maybe impossible for some of them to grope the way in the middle of the darkness, but i can.. I need to learn more.. There's a truth i should look for and maybe motherhood experience will be useful.. I dont deny, i saw my soul drowning... but...but there was a ship..

(pause) while she kept gloating..

"Ya ba'ad umri - Oh! after my lifetime!- mom , i many times wondered about this phrase, the reason that makes me comforted to hear it and the sheen in my grandma's eyes, now, there is no more wonders, no more questions and no suprise why my people like it that much..
Khala -aunt- mentioned it when she called, she desired to visit us.. it was her great shock and disappointment to know about you.. mom, how many people love you?!!!

Ya ba'ad umri, was the most suitable when it was said for the best friend..


Let me gobble now, mom, its the same feeling that i had 13 years ago.. ( I gingerly bathed the hand that the needle had been fixed on)..

Atchu!! mom, I am sneezing.. hahaha..
" Sandybelle, ya yumma ya Sandybelle" (= Sandybelle, O! my mother Sandybelle!!... an iraqi usual term by a mother to her daughter to show gaity, love and trust )

With it, my mouth was gagged ..

" Fate's gesticulates Sandybelle and you are smart enough to recognize the marks" she added.
" but mom, it offers gibberish , dont you think? however, it shows interesting galore .. it leads me to believe in genies sometimes!! lol " I said as I was dry out her body.. the towel was so beautiful. a picture of a bear hugging its mother..

" its a fate's gesture" i said silently..

Then, mom fell asleep.. mom didnt have to come back , but she wanted to see us, she had missed us.. The doctor told her that she needs 8-10 weeks of medcine.. yes, more times without mama..vagueness led my sisters to ask '' is it dangersous that highly? Oh God!! we miss gathering around the table for lunch, for fun and kidding."

" And Ramadhan will be spent without my parents.. yes.. unexpected!!"I thought.

Let the age ripple the facilities for us to be patient..

I should never bemoan the past happiness that removed all the balks, I should believe that it will appear again to spread colours in our life.

Now, mom and dad are away again, but so near to my inside..

Yesterday, my sister kept hugging my mom's pic asking me not to let her alone.
I prepared a cake ( the one that David -a new friend- told me about) for my sisters and the truth requires not to enjoy the delicious test, but it happened and they enjoyed it.

Next Friday is the 31st of July. My birthday, I never expected of living it without my parents.. I am going to be 17 , I am going to forget all the sadness and only focus on tomorrow because I feel of a longing, a deep longing for tomorrow..

It's so hard to say good-bye, but I can guess, it will NOT be forever.

1, 2, 3 up, 1, 2,3 up, 1, 2, 3, up..Let me jump.. It's right that my tears freshen my eyelids and it may seem strange and as a shame , but i believe that of my own, is another right.

Be safe.


16 Jul 2009

When she left

The other day, she left..
Leaveing means her being away..

The matter always orders her being near ,and so near..
The days always help us to look down upon our hearts , then, we see her and look into her eyes and see her again looking back.

Only when the car moved I felt that I love her.. I love her to death..

With few steps, I took a way indoors.. closed the doors.. applauses of hope danced around me and everything came to feel new..

It was the first time for the feelings to be controlled.. I sat on the sofa and kept hugging my sisters.. " thanks for not insisting on accompanying her, thanks for realizing that she has not travelled for fun, she travelled for returning healthy and safe" I said..

Its so hard to say good-buy, but we know, good-buy leads them to be proud of us.. all the blames , all the rays and all the lives forget to blaze up.

Then , everyone found something to keep in touch with.. everyone's secret was to keep praying, praying for mama's spirit to be high again and for her body to be fine with no pain.

Especially me, I felt of a heavy burden for she had to leave in earlier time, but she prefferred to stay for those days, stay to witness my hair waves between her hands, while she's brushing it making a nice ponytail..

She kept looking into my eyes on Monday –which was the last day- and her words meant to make me feel stronger after being weary.

'Such a hard responsibility!' twittering..

The little sister herself took a rule, she made us sign at the bottom of a contract, " everyone should obey the young mammy and keep up hard work, with no objections! While daddy and old mammy are away" , we helplessly signed :) , who would refuse to say no in speaking to the little Nouna?!!

" I hope she will come back soon and safely, I hope all the pain will go away, away forever" my other sister said.." let me say Amen before the devil demolishes the prayers" I added..

Days passed without my parents and still are passing..
Mom's perfume still fills the space!

I ,in every time of contemplating keep thinking of mom and my exams..

Only two weeks before the exams started mom had made her surgery operation, and the house became overcrowded of people.. and I myself always kept thinking of what might happen as well.. that all happened after a month and a half of wandering from a clinic to another, doctors thought that mom might be a doll (like how they think with other people, but surely not all the doctors, I mean the majority of them).. " ok, take this medicne , if you get better it's fine, if you don’t, please visit me, again I'll give you another kind" this is what a doctor may say.!!
"ok, this medicine is of the first class, you cant find any better, if you want, I have one of other classes" this is what a pharmacist may say!!
So, we dicided for the serious case, iraq today cant be well..

Each night I sleep by my little sisters and each of my hands hold one of theirs.
It’s the firs time I feel I’m not a child, except that noon when my sister insisted that I feed her and I did and all the childhood memories came back to me..


Each exam had its own mode but all of them were united in being full of passion towards the mother, my mother.. my mind was not suitable to do anything, not suitable to do exams..

To be quiet honest, the questions were hard and my circumstances were not fine.. religion , arabic language, english language, biology, maths, chemistry, physics and french language..

Many rumors say that some of the questions (especially in maths) were wrong, no, there is NO wrong question, but they were hard, so hard, and it is my turn to show my admiration towards the committee that is responsible for preparing the questions, very good questions, questions are suitable to be the first step in creating new generations with all the deserts to participate in all the careers to rebuid our new Iraq, wonderful Iraq.

I myself cant say if I did well or not, I don’t want to think nor expect, I just hope that God will help me to get as much as I gave, I gave all these long years..

As I'm sitting here, a nice memory is trying to make my mind motley, a memory of my physics teacher..
On the day of physics exam, 4:34 pm, I received a call by him.

-" how's my little daughter? How's my little sun?"
-I'm well thanks so much ammu.. and you ? (maybe it was a very formal call :)
- I’m well, thank God.. my pleasure to hear your voice, hey!!! Why didn’t you call me ha? My right to be angry with my little sun , hahaha.
- oh, yes .. I'm.. well.. >> broken sentence
- ok, first of all, tell me, how's your abdomen muscles, I remember last time I saw you (which was in March) you were so sick and hardly can walk.. you had a laceration ,right?
- oh.. yes.. I'm well now, thanks so much.. so much.. and thank God..
- how did you do today? And.. by the way, is the picture that I drew on your copybook still alive? Hahaha. I suppose yes.. how no while it contains your name written in the middle of a sun?!! haha
- (with a tear trying to leave the eyelash quickly ) well, thank God..
Ammu, everything is still alive, every moment and every memorey..

Later, many sentences with echo invaded my parts, just like the tempest of tenderness that invaded my soul when my mom talked to me before leaving.. and then

- ma' alsalama (good-bye)
- ma' alsalama (good-buy).

Now , I keep saying the same prayers that I said when I visited a monestry in a town near my city..

I hope you echo my prayers..

Many friends asked me about my plans for this vacation, I can plan for nothing, first of all my mom should get better and later we'll see..

Just for the record , I like to mention that I got a chance to travel to the USA but I preferred to postpone everything..

All what I really need to do is to build peace, peace for me and my..

As the best friend said " this too will pass"..

Best wishes


7 Jul 2009

On the track

This pic is from one of my best friends.. Thanks so much..

What the teacher said set the girl free and presented her an ease.. The same time, it posed a question, " if it all went according to the devil's anthem, what would happen ?!!"

"your name is ……, right?", the teacher started as she was fixing the name tablet on the girl's copybook., " yes miss " , the girl answered. " yes!! Seven days and here's the eighth, so hard is the farewell, but so nice is your name and it shows your spirit, it's my duty to observe students, and surely including you ,don’t tell anybody of this secret!! Haha..

( Pause)

What's the problem with your feet?" she asked, patting her on the back and kissing her on the front.. the girl turned so embarrassed ,tongue-tied as well and could say no word.. she was still toilworn.
A smile unawares put an end to the gorgeous conversation.

" maybe it's the terminus, but what is the direction of wisdom??" it cant be the eternal question for a teenage girl, but it happened and it was asked, unnecessarily asked.

The kiss startled her , and every thing disappeared, except the pencil , it was doing its best to snatch a running eraser.. the throe chose to embellish that picture.

The same feeling came back to her..

It was another morning for it to sound cruel.. After the breakfast,

" rin rin rin" the cellphone rings, " good morning " by her dad, " yes, oh! really? well its ok.. ok..ok " , then, looking at her and tells " dear, the driver just called me, he's unable to reach us. The streets that lead from his place to our house are blocked, as well as the ones that lead to your school from here , maybe you cant go to school today. " , " dad? Are you kidding? It’s a final exam!! chemistry" she responses.
" I say maybe. let's go to the thoroughfare and see" shrugging his shoulders.
They reach the street, it is blocked, there’s a parade and no vehicles are allowed except police cars
" yes yes, these are some more girls," some of them are talking loudly.
" hmm , dad ,some girls, I think police offers to drive students to their schools…baba, baba.." she is agitating his hand as it is caught by her.

They begin walking.. after a hello" my daughter is willing to .." the father talks to the policeman, blah blah blah .
" ok, only students can come, I'm sorry, you cant, there are many students, and by the way, your daughter is the only one from the school …..-her school's name- I think she will be the last one" The policeman answers.
The father gazes at her, and she returns his interest with a hidden tear, she believes, it may not be natural, but quite legal " ok dad, maybe I should go to school without you this time" she says kissing him.. " you are not going to a prison, you're going to your school sweetheart'' mocking at her.
The car moves, " we should go through another way, because the governor and military leaders are here " the policeman says as he drives his car passing near the best road for school.
Suddenly, they stop, " oh, there's some problem with the car ..hmmm, I think, you all should get out of it " he says.

As they get out, he leaves hurriedly!!!!!!!!
" oh, he left us, the liar!!!'' the girls speak. " well," they talk to her catching her name via the surreal conversation between her and her dad , " our school is not on your way, we are going to leave you. You should go through this path – pointing to it- and take care, the worst people on earth can be found here, thieves, terrorists, kidnappers and boys who do nothing but look for girls" they're teaching her.
" ok, fine, thanks. good luck in the exam!!" her turn.
" well, " she speaks to herself, " I think it's upwards of 11 kilometers for school, and 6 for home, what to choose? passing through this dangerous neighborhood or going home and postponing the exam . exam starts at 9 and I don’t know what is the time now" , a palaver is created.
-she was alone, having no other choices, with no escort except her shadow. All her traps were : a water bottle, pencils, rubbers and pencil-sharpeners and surely her book-

Ok, she cant postpone the exam. She's not going to go home unnerved , hopeless or aimless, no, not her who chooses this, she knows, this is unseasonable, but she should go, for her ill mom, she's sure if her mom was in her place, she would choose to go to school.
As she enters the nighborhood, 'her near future seems unpredictable , but in belief that -at least- all the morows can be trenchant', what gets her attneiton is people's patios , she turns panicky, especially when she notices some of them arguing about pittances.
She tries to find an umbra, sun heat is killing, but no good area.
She has never expected such tryst, she is sure it was hidden amongst fate's surprises.

'' God, oh God, you can see me now, you can listen to me. Is it supposed that I suffer this pain? Please, stand by me, and don’t let me down. You know, I love you and all what I do is for you and no one else, only you.. you.." wordless words, as she puts her toes in elsewhere on the track.


The raod is so long, and her feet begin to ache her, by time, they get injured..
She does her best to pretend to be unscathed , she believes that all this is transitory and won't go on.
" what's the problem with the little child!! Oh , baby, what's wrong?'' two national guards speak, and she pays no attention, " it’s the suitable time to keep my mom's rules, don’t talk to any stranger". a fierce look and they get astonished.
Later, she starts to think of those guards, normal guards could remark her uncertain steps, she smiles for no one, and she keeps thinking of her mom, the hard 44 days ago, her mom got ill, dangerously ill.
Her mom had a surgical operation , and the house became overcrowded, only when she really needed good periods to study, she didnt have to concentrate on anything except her studying, but she wanted, and life wanted something else.. it was out of her control.. another hard day, when her dad got back from the public lab. trying to keep his sadness inside, she could recognize the hidden medical report, and could read it.. as her eyes were skinning the lines, her tears filled the space everywhere around her..

Hard times should be vanquished, but not today, she is tired, all her high dreams were to do the exam well and get home safe.. and now, she has a far distance with injured feet.
Soon, she feels she is staggering, oops, she has nobody and nothing to lean on except the simple breath, the breath that can keep her alive, "little girl, go little girl" her conscience orders her.

Few students are watched by her, she asks them " what is your last station?" and they mention a name of school she has not heard of, so she thanks them and keeps walking.


Finally, she finds herself before her school's main street, she asks a national guard " excuse me, what time is it ammu?", " 9:30" his formal answer.. " thanks so much", with pleasure sparkles in her eyes.

It's the school gate, she enters, she could pass through the hard time, and the ten kilometers were walked!!
As she goes upstairs, she begins to trudge, step by step, she falls unconscious.
Her friends all come around her, try to carry her, they bring her to her desk, the most suitable place to warm her. Her fingers touch it, and water covers her face.. After a while, she comes back.. tears in her eyes, " my feet are killing me" she says.
" do you want to postpone the exam?" someone asks .
" no,of course no" she replies.
She starts answering the questions…
The exam ends.
She leaves the class, the school, her driver is waiting for her, observing the tired glances.. opens the door for her..

" if you want to reproach me, please do so, i would love to, please, go back to your spirit.. oh my God!! trust me, it was not my guilt!!" he is trying to make her listen , unable to see what was surrounding her.

She is home..
She is welcomed by her mom and falls in her lap. " I’m exhausted" ..
Her sisters and dad help her to take off her showes, blood!!
She tells the story of the street, and that is followed by her mom's tears.
Until now, she cant understand the meaning of those tears.

She asks her sister to bring her her favourite note copybook, there, she has put a special sheet between two of its pages .. this sheet's contains were every thing for her for many weeks, they are words written by her teacher as a token of special ammu and a girl. Whenever she felt sad, she would read them and soon, the horizon would become wonderful again.

" In The Name of God, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
For my little daughter …
Words are lost when I intend to describe such a beautiful and smart girl, but here, I just want to write down, that her name refers to what I want to talk of.
my dearest student, we really pray and hope for your dreams to come true. Your dreams and wishes are so dear for us before being dear for you. let you keep smiling forever"... Teacher , Abdul-Razzaq.

Her father bandages her feet. and the little girl falls asleep deeply.

She is ME.

I'm so thankful for I have finished my exams, there were nights and the wind was so cold, and days, the sun was cruel.
Exams were not harder than the times before, this is why I preferred to be away from this world, everything wanted to blur and change, but the truth can never let down the sky.

I can see it so clearly now, trying to clarify the air, to spread what was missed.. it feels ashamed, and aiming to banish the mud and soot that covered its face for a long time, several months time..

It can't be forgotten, nor forbidden nor thrown away.

It must be forgiven..


Note: so thankful for all the friends that tried to keep in touch with me, for the so many e-mails, encouragements and supportings. so sorry for being unable to response, sometimes life gives , but many times it takes.. Be safe

رساله الى والد

سيدي .. هذا كتابي..
هاديء يلثم في الباديء يديك..
من هنا .. من غرفة الاحزان ازجيه اليك..

سيدي.. اخشى ان تكون السخريه..

مثلما عودتني.. رد عتابي
فلكم سفهت احلامي وافراحي وحزني
ولكم مزقت يا ابي نفسي بالسخريات..
ولكم صورتني مسخا بسمع الزنبقات

كيف حال الزنبقات؟؟
الصغيرات الوضيئات كحبات الندى
الرقيقات الرهيفات

اخواتي؟ يا ترى يسالن عني؟
ام ترى يحسبنني بين الموات؟
احصيتني بالامس بين التافهين
الان اني شاعر احضن احزان الالوف
وارى في العالم الاسوان
ولاني لست ارضى لصغار الاخرين
وصغاري ان يعيدوا قصتي..
قصتي من بدئها مكتوبة بالسخريه

ذلك القصر الذي يضحك مني في علاه
ناشبا في قلبي الطفلي احساس القزامه

يا ابي..
مازلت في بعدي اراه
وارى بالغيظ ابناء السراه
امامي يلعبون
بكرات غاليه
خلتها ادخل فيها بهلوان

يا ابي ..كم كنت ارنو للكره
اشتهي لو ترتوي منها يداي
ثم كانت معجزه
يوم ان حطت بقربي
في احاكي الف ليله
عندما تدعو اليها التائهين
او ككنز جاء من كهف اللصوص

فتهالكت واشواقي عليها
و رموني يومها بالاحذيه

قصتي من بدئها مكتوبة بالسخريه
كنت امضي ورفاقي في البكور
لقصور البكوات
قبلما ينفض عصفور نعاسه

حسرتي كنا بلون الميتين
كالدمى نصطف في انواء طوبى
كالكلاب الضمر نستجدي الكناسه
بعض سردين
وحبيبات من الرمان
حمراء وحلوه
وبقايا من صنوف الطيبات
كيف حال الاصدقاء؟
يا ترى هل يذكرون؟
عندما كنا صغارا
نملؤ الجيب ترابا
كيف كانوا يضحكون!!
كلما ناديتني قبل العشاء
ها انا الان اضحوكة تسعى بجوف المدينه
ورفاقي اصبحوا في قريتي
اجراء بحقول البكوات
يا ابي لو لم تفرقنا الحظوظ الساخره
في بلاد المضحكات المبكيات
افكنت اليوم اشري بالقروش
كرفاقي في حقول البكوات؟؟
ما الذي يصنع منا يا ابي ما لانريد؟
كلنا كنا صغارا
كالعصافير البريئه
لم اكن اضحوكة تسعى بجوف المدينه
ورفاقي لم يكونوا اجراء..
اوليست هذه بالسخريه؟؟
نحن جيل كاليتامى يا ابي
حملتنا من سحاب الصيف ارض قاحله
وسقطنا في المذاود
ليغوص الشوك في اجسادنا مثل الرماح
و رضعنا الحزن والصبار والحمض الكريه
نحن في المريخ رواد غزاة
كل شيء حولنا ضمآن يهفو للحياة
كل شيء حولنا, هول وموت وجليد
كل شيء حولنا يشتاق يبني من جديد

ولقد احصيتني بالامس بين التافهين

الان اني شاعر
احضن احزان الالوف
وارى في العالم الاسوان
حولي .. قريتي

ولاني لست الرضى لصغار الاخرين
و صغاري ان يعيدوا قصتي...