Ya ba'ad umri..

"To my daughter .. Shams.. my life's sunshine"
This was written in my mom's PhD thesis , exactly, the gratitude section.. I was arranging the books and re-read it.. trembling released my heart from being lost.


" I will need your help in the bathroom" mom demanded.

A glimpse of a drop's shadow was wonderful.. it was so nice to see everything starts to glimmer.

" just like what was happening in the past, you would sit on the little chair, and I would cover your body with soap and water, later, you would laugh and sneeze, many wanted you not to grow up, many wanted you to stay the little funny baby, the cheerful doll.. I never thought that you would do the same for me. Sandybelle, oh Sandybelle! ". she said.

Her words were so clear , and never needed a glossary, but it's my mind that got nothing that moment.

"what is written in the stars cant be changed nor altered" I answered. " mom, I always trusted the gnome,i always thought of the truth that might be seen in the sky, but now, I wonder, was all it written? did it have to be?? or.. ok, i dont know, mom, i just missed you and i think i am not able to miss you any longer. Hades my life is without you and .., i cant breathe without you, heal without you nor be without you"

"but I am always with you. you dont need to mention the Hades Sandybelle" she interrupted me.." you will never be without me, maybe distance supposes our being away from each other, but i am with you, i trust you, i believe you and i love you. you are my daughter, MY FIRST DAUGHTER.. life can be hard many times, but i dont feel afraid about you, YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE MY STRENGTH SOURCE"..

" the globe seems very small sometimes.. i can see nothing in the far skyline but my eyelashes. mom, i am tired, i miss my life, i miss myself and i miss you.. mom, motherhood is so hard and this time, i confess, i am young, i am too young." tears in my eyes..

" young and so great" dad always says.

" mom, the evil's carol is sung every night.. you always tell me how proud you are, but.. I .. I .. will anyone help me understand?help me stand by the light or catch the wind?"

Then, a tremor was called up .. the same one that was called when i laid on my sister's bed with fever, and felt of the siblings' hands on my front, how kind they were!! they harriedly brought flowers and put them around the pillow , " yes, just like the sleeping beauty" ..

" Sandybelle, do you want to come with me this time? "

" NO, once, i wanted to know how you love me, now, i know.. i have many chances to be with you in the future, i have many chances to grin , to compare the days, to run , to fly and hug you.. no, TWO MONTHS period is nothing.. yes, nothing.. we shouldnt accompany you, no, all what you should do mom is to take care of yourself, and eat well.. its..

(pause)

" the medicine you take is... ok, mom , i am NOT WEAK and i can never be.. the cobwebs are going to be eliminated ..it sounds so hard and maybe impossible for some of them to grope the way in the middle of the darkness, but i can.. I need to learn more.. There's a truth i should look for and maybe motherhood experience will be useful.. I dont deny, i saw my soul drowning... but...but there was a ship..

(pause) while she kept gloating..

"Ya ba'ad umri - Oh! after my lifetime!- mom , i many times wondered about this phrase, the reason that makes me comforted to hear it and the sheen in my grandma's eyes, now, there is no more wonders, no more questions and no suprise why my people like it that much..
Khala -aunt- mentioned it when she called, she desired to visit us.. it was her great shock and disappointment to know about you.. mom, how many people love you?!!!

Ya ba'ad umri, was the most suitable when it was said for the best friend..

(pause)

Let me gobble now, mom, its the same feeling that i had 13 years ago.. ( I gingerly bathed the hand that the needle had been fixed on)..

Atchu!! mom, I am sneezing.. hahaha..
" Sandybelle, ya yumma ya Sandybelle" (= Sandybelle, O! my mother Sandybelle!!... an iraqi usual term by a mother to her daughter to show gaity, love and trust )

With it, my mouth was gagged ..

" Fate's gesticulates Sandybelle and you are smart enough to recognize the marks" she added.
" but mom, it offers gibberish , dont you think? however, it shows interesting galore .. it leads me to believe in genies sometimes!! lol " I said as I was dry out her body.. the towel was so beautiful. a picture of a bear hugging its mother..

" its a fate's gesture" i said silently..

Then, mom fell asleep.. mom didnt have to come back , but she wanted to see us, she had missed us.. The doctor told her that she needs 8-10 weeks of medcine.. yes, more times without mama..vagueness led my sisters to ask '' is it dangersous that highly? Oh God!! we miss gathering around the table for lunch, for fun and kidding."

" And Ramadhan will be spent without my parents.. yes.. unexpected!!"I thought.

Let the age ripple the facilities for us to be patient..

I should never bemoan the past happiness that removed all the balks, I should believe that it will appear again to spread colours in our life.

Now, mom and dad are away again, but so near to my inside..

Yesterday, my sister kept hugging my mom's pic asking me not to let her alone.
I prepared a cake ( the one that David -a new friend- told me about) for my sisters and the truth requires not to enjoy the delicious test, but it happened and they enjoyed it.

Next Friday is the 31st of July. My birthday, I never expected of living it without my parents.. I am going to be 17 , I am going to forget all the sadness and only focus on tomorrow because I feel of a longing, a deep longing for tomorrow..

It's so hard to say good-bye, but I can guess, it will NOT be forever.

1, 2, 3 up, 1, 2,3 up, 1, 2, 3, up..Let me jump.. It's right that my tears freshen my eyelids and it may seem strange and as a shame , but i believe that of my own, is another right.

Be safe.

Sandybelle