28 Jul 2009

Ya ba'ad umri..

"To my daughter .. Shams.. my life's sunshine"
This was written in my mom's PhD thesis , exactly, the gratitude section.. I was arranging the books and re-read it.. trembling released my heart from being lost.

" I will need your help in the bathroom" mom demanded.

A glimpse of a drop's shadow was wonderful.. it was so nice to see everything starts to glimmer.

" just like what was happening in the past, you would sit on the little chair, and I would cover your body with soap and water, later, you would laugh and sneeze, many wanted you not to grow up, many wanted you to stay the little funny baby, the cheerful doll.. I never thought that you would do the same for me. Sandybelle, oh Sandybelle! ". she said.

Her words were so clear , and never needed a glossary, but it's my mind that got nothing that moment.

"what is written in the stars cant be changed nor altered" I answered. " mom, I always trusted the gnome,i always thought of the truth that might be seen in the sky, but now, I wonder, was all it written? did it have to be?? or.. ok, i dont know, mom, i just missed you and i think i am not able to miss you any longer. Hades my life is without you and .., i cant breathe without you, heal without you nor be without you"

"but I am always with you. you dont need to mention the Hades Sandybelle" she interrupted me.." you will never be without me, maybe distance supposes our being away from each other, but i am with you, i trust you, i believe you and i love you. you are my daughter, MY FIRST DAUGHTER.. life can be hard many times, but i dont feel afraid about you, YOU ARE STRONG, YOU ARE MY STRENGTH SOURCE"..

" the globe seems very small sometimes.. i can see nothing in the far skyline but my eyelashes. mom, i am tired, i miss my life, i miss myself and i miss you.. mom, motherhood is so hard and this time, i confess, i am young, i am too young." tears in my eyes..

" young and so great" dad always says.

" mom, the evil's carol is sung every night.. you always tell me how proud you are, but.. I .. I .. will anyone help me understand?help me stand by the light or catch the wind?"

Then, a tremor was called up .. the same one that was called when i laid on my sister's bed with fever, and felt of the siblings' hands on my front, how kind they were!! they harriedly brought flowers and put them around the pillow , " yes, just like the sleeping beauty" ..

" Sandybelle, do you want to come with me this time? "

" NO, once, i wanted to know how you love me, now, i know.. i have many chances to be with you in the future, i have many chances to grin , to compare the days, to run , to fly and hug you.. no, TWO MONTHS period is nothing.. yes, nothing.. we shouldnt accompany you, no, all what you should do mom is to take care of yourself, and eat well.. its..


" the medicine you take is... ok, mom , i am NOT WEAK and i can never be.. the cobwebs are going to be eliminated ..it sounds so hard and maybe impossible for some of them to grope the way in the middle of the darkness, but i can.. I need to learn more.. There's a truth i should look for and maybe motherhood experience will be useful.. I dont deny, i saw my soul drowning... but...but there was a ship..

(pause) while she kept gloating..

"Ya ba'ad umri - Oh! after my lifetime!- mom , i many times wondered about this phrase, the reason that makes me comforted to hear it and the sheen in my grandma's eyes, now, there is no more wonders, no more questions and no suprise why my people like it that much..
Khala -aunt- mentioned it when she called, she desired to visit us.. it was her great shock and disappointment to know about you.. mom, how many people love you?!!!

Ya ba'ad umri, was the most suitable when it was said for the best friend..


Let me gobble now, mom, its the same feeling that i had 13 years ago.. ( I gingerly bathed the hand that the needle had been fixed on)..

Atchu!! mom, I am sneezing.. hahaha..
" Sandybelle, ya yumma ya Sandybelle" (= Sandybelle, O! my mother Sandybelle!!... an iraqi usual term by a mother to her daughter to show gaity, love and trust )

With it, my mouth was gagged ..

" Fate's gesticulates Sandybelle and you are smart enough to recognize the marks" she added.
" but mom, it offers gibberish , dont you think? however, it shows interesting galore .. it leads me to believe in genies sometimes!! lol " I said as I was dry out her body.. the towel was so beautiful. a picture of a bear hugging its mother..

" its a fate's gesture" i said silently..

Then, mom fell asleep.. mom didnt have to come back , but she wanted to see us, she had missed us.. The doctor told her that she needs 8-10 weeks of medcine.. yes, more times without mama..vagueness led my sisters to ask '' is it dangersous that highly? Oh God!! we miss gathering around the table for lunch, for fun and kidding."

" And Ramadhan will be spent without my parents.. yes.. unexpected!!"I thought.

Let the age ripple the facilities for us to be patient..

I should never bemoan the past happiness that removed all the balks, I should believe that it will appear again to spread colours in our life.

Now, mom and dad are away again, but so near to my inside..

Yesterday, my sister kept hugging my mom's pic asking me not to let her alone.
I prepared a cake ( the one that David -a new friend- told me about) for my sisters and the truth requires not to enjoy the delicious test, but it happened and they enjoyed it.

Next Friday is the 31st of July. My birthday, I never expected of living it without my parents.. I am going to be 17 , I am going to forget all the sadness and only focus on tomorrow because I feel of a longing, a deep longing for tomorrow..

It's so hard to say good-bye, but I can guess, it will NOT be forever.

1, 2, 3 up, 1, 2,3 up, 1, 2, 3, up..Let me jump.. It's right that my tears freshen my eyelids and it may seem strange and as a shame , but i believe that of my own, is another right.

Be safe.



Rasul said...

oh grea, oh wonderful oh amazing. you are the best little iraqi girl i ever met.stay safe and strong.

Angela said...

Oh Sandybelle, I have no word to tell you, and to describe the magic you own in speaking. please, try to smile gain, like the little baby , oh , how beautiful!!! you are so strong, so great and wonderful.

Ali said...

lak hello!!!!!! you were very very very beautiful when you were little Shams!!! omg!!!!! its sooooooo great..
so, two more months. its horrible, yes, so horrible, i dont know what to say. you are great and patient and strong. try to find things to play or improve during this long period, so your parents will be more proud of you, to see you greater and greater.

Bross said...

I'm sorry for what happens with you nowadays. please, dont lose hope.

Violet said...

I couldn't help it i cried !

Sandy please stay safe and take care !

Anonymous said...

dont be sad kid
dont cry

your parents are going far away from you in order to be closer to you

you shuld be proud to have such great parents like them

and to those that wont be far for along
we dont say good bye,,we say:-see you :)

take care kid

Michomeme said...

هلو ساندي..شلونج ان شاء الله تكونين بخير سلامتها لماماتك.. ان شاء الله تكوم بصحة و سلامة و ترجع الكم احسن من قبل.. اهم شي تسوي حتى هي تصير زينة انو تحسسيها انتي زينة و مسيطرة على الامور بالبيت حتى لو هي بعيدة عنكم..حسسيها انتوا زينين و بخير و ادعيلها ليل و نهار و ان شاء الله الله يحفظها الكم..صدكيني الحالة النفسي للمريض هي عامل اساسي جدا بتحسنه..
داعيتلها والله و طمنينا عنها

الله يشافيها يارب و يبعد عنها كل شر

James said...

My dear Sandybelle (or Shams :)) , you really cant imagine how high you made me feel (ok, i can quote HIGH from your writing, lol ) , there many girls in the world, but very rare are who do, behave and speak wisely, feel strong, give so much and sacrifice like you. May God bless you and keep you up. yes, let you jump and let you enjoy every moment. dont lose hope, we are with you, putting our hands in yours. all the world should knw about the wonderful the great and the fantastic Sandybelle. you should write a novel including a biography about you, you should speak more, your words are emotional and beyond desciption. with our love our great SUN. Shams means Sun, I got it!!!!!!!!!!!

Al-Basri said...

Sadness with hope and optimism, how could you gather the both?
its your time to smile little girl.

Johny said...

you made me cry, cry, cry and cry..your age , your thoughts and beliefs are not equal. you are great, and i wish i could do more for you Sandybelle. email me if you need anything. please.

Touta said...

I hope you find sunshine in your life too.

Best wishes and love,

Corey said...


You are an inspiration, really. Your sisters are so lucky to have someone like you looking out for them and caring for them.

I am praying for you mom and I wish both of your parents all the luck in the world. Just remember that your MANY friends are willing and ready to do what we can to help :-)

Stay safe, my friend.

Dr.Human said...

Hi sandy .
You are a very strong girl , I hope your mother get better ti be aound you once a gain

Stay safe and take care of your little sisters

Alfred said...

Dear Sandybelle, please, no more tears should be shed. just be happy as usual. you are great and beautiful. you dont know how proud we are of you. stay on the right side and dont give up. we learn hope from you our dear. you too, be safe. always, alfred

Anonymous said...

take care :)

Yasser Al-Rubayee said...

marhaba sandy
i dont know why my last comment is lost but ill try to say it again...

first- happy birthday in advance, its about 5 hours ahead. lol.

2nd-believe me that these days, in spite of all what u r feeling now, will be a nice story to tell and a good experience for your coming life.

i hope u a happy life full of success, and to be a kind doctor.
take care of yourself n your little family

with my best wishes

From Australia said...

Happy birthday Sandybelle. may all your dreams come true. you are great and deserve all the best.. MANY HAPPY TIMES ARE AHEAD.. WITH MY LOVE SANDY.TAKE CARE. Silver.

Mairie said...

all people before me said what i would wanna say. its my turn to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY.. best wishes.

Richie said...



Khalid from iraqiblogupdates.blogspot.com/ said...



Wisam said...

Happy birthday Shams!

you got such a nice name and a nice soul.with my best wishes.

Reem said...

Happy birthday

Dr.Human said...

Happy Birthday

David said...

Happy Birthday Sandybelle!

I wrote you a comment a couple days ago, but it must have gotten lost. So, let me try to remember what I wrote.

The way you write is very expressive, sort of like poetry. This post is very moving. I know it will be very hard for you and your sisters, missing your mother. I hope she will be much better soon.

Take care.

Sandybelle said...



dear friend David, yes, so sorry, i lost your first comment. thanks for being in touch. you are such a kind person, thanks again :) :) :).

moonlight said...

I'm late...and I sorry :(...just want to say happy belated birthday dear and welcome to the world of 17year olds ;). Inshallah Allah yishfee umich and may she regain her health very soon.

Allah wiyach habibti

lots of love <3

BOOKISH said...

Well late happy birthday but from the bottom of my heart. I will pray for your mother speedy and fully recovery.

زهرة الراوي said...

شلونج وردة؟؟
تدرين تجربة الأخت الكبيرة حلوة ومو حلوة ..
أحياناً تحسين أنه طفولتج راحت وأحياناً تكولين الحمدلله تعلمت أنه أوكف وحدي وأكون قوية، أكدر أوكف مهما كان الأمر، أكدر أساعد غيري يوكف، آني صلبة قوية ..

بنفس الوكت كونج الكبيرة تمرين بتجارب وتتعلمين أشياء غيرج مو بسهولة يتعلمها .. وهمين أكو سُلطة;) مو؟؟

إن شاء الله اطيب أمج وترجعلكم بالسلامة وترجعون تجتمعون سوة تضحكون وتسولفون ..
إن شاء الله أمر طارئ واختبار بسيط، وإن شاء الله طهور لها ..

الله يحفظكم لبعض ..
تحياتي ومودتي يا أمورة

زهرة الراوي said...

شلونج وردة؟؟
تدرين تجربة الأخت الكبيرة حلوة ومو حلوة ..
أحياناً تحسين أنه طفولتج راحت وأحياناً تكولين الحمدلله تعلمت أنه أوكف وحدي وأكون قوية، أكدر أوكف مهما كان الأمر، أكدر أساعد غيري يوكف، آني صلبة قوية ..

بنفس الوكت كونج الكبيرة تمرين بتجارب وتتعلمين أشياء غيرج مو بسهولة يتعلمها .. وهمين أكو سُلطة;) مو؟؟

إن شاء الله اطيب أمج وترجعلكم بالسلامة وترجعون تجتمعون سوة تضحكون وتسولفون ..
إن شاء الله أمر طارئ واختبار بسيط، وإن شاء الله طهور لها ..

الله يحفظكم لبعض ..
تحياتي ومودتي يا أمورة