16 Jul 2009
When she left
The other day, she left..
Leaveing means her being away..
The matter always orders her being near ,and so near..
The days always help us to look down upon our hearts , then, we see her and look into her eyes and see her again looking back.
Only when the car moved I felt that I love her.. I love her to death..
With few steps, I took a way indoors.. closed the doors.. applauses of hope danced around me and everything came to feel new..
It was the first time for the feelings to be controlled.. I sat on the sofa and kept hugging my sisters.. " thanks for not insisting on accompanying her, thanks for realizing that she has not travelled for fun, she travelled for returning healthy and safe" I said..
Its so hard to say good-buy, but we know, good-buy leads them to be proud of us.. all the blames , all the rays and all the lives forget to blaze up.
Then , everyone found something to keep in touch with.. everyone's secret was to keep praying, praying for mama's spirit to be high again and for her body to be fine with no pain.
Especially me, I felt of a heavy burden for she had to leave in earlier time, but she prefferred to stay for those days, stay to witness my hair waves between her hands, while she's brushing it making a nice ponytail..
She kept looking into my eyes on Monday –which was the last day- and her words meant to make me feel stronger after being weary.
'Such a hard responsibility!' twittering..
The little sister herself took a rule, she made us sign at the bottom of a contract, " everyone should obey the young mammy and keep up hard work, with no objections! While daddy and old mammy are away" , we helplessly signed :) , who would refuse to say no in speaking to the little Nouna?!!
" I hope she will come back soon and safely, I hope all the pain will go away, away forever" my other sister said.." let me say Amen before the devil demolishes the prayers" I added..
Days passed without my parents and still are passing..
Mom's perfume still fills the space!
I ,in every time of contemplating keep thinking of mom and my exams..
Only two weeks before the exams started mom had made her surgery operation, and the house became overcrowded of people.. and I myself always kept thinking of what might happen as well.. that all happened after a month and a half of wandering from a clinic to another, doctors thought that mom might be a doll (like how they think with other people, but surely not all the doctors, I mean the majority of them).. " ok, take this medicne , if you get better it's fine, if you don’t, please visit me, again I'll give you another kind" this is what a doctor may say.!!
"ok, this medicine is of the first class, you cant find any better, if you want, I have one of other classes" this is what a pharmacist may say!!
So, we dicided for the serious case, iraq today cant be well..
Each night I sleep by my little sisters and each of my hands hold one of theirs.
It’s the firs time I feel I’m not a child, except that noon when my sister insisted that I feed her and I did and all the childhood memories came back to me..
Each exam had its own mode but all of them were united in being full of passion towards the mother, my mother.. my mind was not suitable to do anything, not suitable to do exams..
To be quiet honest, the questions were hard and my circumstances were not fine.. religion , arabic language, english language, biology, maths, chemistry, physics and french language..
Many rumors say that some of the questions (especially in maths) were wrong, no, there is NO wrong question, but they were hard, so hard, and it is my turn to show my admiration towards the committee that is responsible for preparing the questions, very good questions, questions are suitable to be the first step in creating new generations with all the deserts to participate in all the careers to rebuid our new Iraq, wonderful Iraq.
I myself cant say if I did well or not, I don’t want to think nor expect, I just hope that God will help me to get as much as I gave, I gave all these long years..
As I'm sitting here, a nice memory is trying to make my mind motley, a memory of my physics teacher..
On the day of physics exam, 4:34 pm, I received a call by him.
-" how's my little daughter? How's my little sun?"
-I'm well thanks so much ammu.. and you ? (maybe it was a very formal call :)
- I’m well, thank God.. my pleasure to hear your voice, hey!!! Why didn’t you call me ha? My right to be angry with my little sun , hahaha.
- oh, yes .. I'm.. well.. >> broken sentence
- ok, first of all, tell me, how's your abdomen muscles, I remember last time I saw you (which was in March) you were so sick and hardly can walk.. you had a laceration ,right?
- oh.. yes.. I'm well now, thanks so much.. so much.. and thank God..
- how did you do today? And.. by the way, is the picture that I drew on your copybook still alive? Hahaha. I suppose yes.. how no while it contains your name written in the middle of a sun?!! haha
- (with a tear trying to leave the eyelash quickly ) well, thank God..
Ammu, everything is still alive, every moment and every memorey..
Later, many sentences with echo invaded my parts, just like the tempest of tenderness that invaded my soul when my mom talked to me before leaving.. and then
- ma' alsalama (good-bye)
- ma' alsalama (good-buy).
Now , I keep saying the same prayers that I said when I visited a monestry in a town near my city..
I hope you echo my prayers..
Many friends asked me about my plans for this vacation, I can plan for nothing, first of all my mom should get better and later we'll see..
Just for the record , I like to mention that I got a chance to travel to the USA but I preferred to postpone everything..
All what I really need to do is to build peace, peace for me and my..
As the best friend said " this too will pass"..