It's like I forgot or became afraid of all what I possessed and still there , and got nothing more except a new method of respiration.
That morning , I –unlike the all- appeared so careless about the place I was going to. Or.. perhaps I forgot to care, orrrr , it could be an eagerness and longing to meet two men I had not known the very well about them, despite the fact that they are brothers of my father's own.
It was a sunny day, and as if zephyr was sent by Helios to hug the path I passed..
It was the first day I felt I anticipated an adventure. And I was not wrong with that feeling at all.
expectation with lazy looks.
New faces and people I had not met before.. boys and girls.. all trying to be the star.
It’s a source of sarcasm to remember the fear that captured me when I was looking at one of them with so surprised eyes. He was so fat with light brown hair, with age of probably 23 years. I am sure if it was supposed to see him somewhere else, I wouldn’t fear the matter, or even not to notice, but since it was all there.. it was really a strange thing..
Everything I touched was as something from space.. or it was a monodrama that only one person knew about, and this person was me.
I also met Ahmed, a young man older than me with five years. I used to fight him when I was 13. it caused a terrific headache to wait for him for long hours to go back home ,with my two other friends, at his school gate.
Ahmed came and said hello like a noble man, and I laughed in my sleeve and brought to mind all the rules I already had learnt of good behavior inside the college : don’t bend your back forward.. slowly chew your food.. don’t you run and calmly speak!
He narrated many stories about the new place, professors, hospital, illness, hard study, and students. They were things I already knew, but they had a special taste to be heard directly from someone lived the moment.
His speech was like "macaronic" , and I stood the first half perfectly well and I was impressed, but the second half was out of my ken, although he did never use complex terms, or maybe I didn’t concentrate about that much talking.
Saba' heavily kept holding my hand and distinctly looked so glad to introduce me to everything there, everyone and every spot.
Everybody was happy, and everybody explained the happiness in a different way, and I took a turn to find a happiness for my own.
Saba' and I had a cup of coffee ,then she needed to go for a lecture, we promised to meet at 12 a.m.
I exchanged looks into the eyes with girls I knew from my secondary school. And the makeover they used was horrible!
Then, myself and I were alone.
The time shouldn’t seem to hang heavy.
I wanted to stare at any piece of matter to kill the time, and later I found myself staring at a purple coloured flower.
"Purple ..flower", I dinged.
And I remembered his face ; however, I don’t usually forget it.
We were little. We were together. We always built houses and trains by cubes, as well as castles. We sang together and made birthday parties.
And I was happy with all of that.
Once we had a walk together in a garden full of purple coloured flowers, and they took a photo for us.
No one knows how life goes.
And now, I don’t know where he may be, or how, or does he remember all those times like I do?!
If I met him, I would thank him, I would remind him of the purple flowers. And I would praise the happiness we had. We were real, honest and great despite our little wishes.
Whenever I see purple coloured flowers, I think back about that day. the happiness of that day.And fate chose I shouldn’t do so much, so, I didn’t see any purple coloured flowers after that day except 5 times, including my first day in college.
Five times i really was happy.
The next day –the second day in college- I went to the same place where I saw the purple flower and it was not there!
Perhaps I was wrong, and all those thoughts were a share of an unneeded keek.
And the aim to find the happiness was awake. And it was like a story about how man can be happy or stay happy if he was originally.
And attempts follow to remember other times I was happy.
Most of the goals didn’t pass the lines I stepped back into indeed. Or, it's maybe an exaggeration to dispraise myself.
I remember once when snow dewy slept, and the yard before my room window was almost totally white. I soon put on the coat and ran outside, Rita ( our neighbor from Russia who is married to an Iraqi man) kept teaching us how to make a snowman.
I kept walking in the yard, and I had a faith that I could go to any place I wanted to go to.
The next days in college were hazy in nature, and called a sense of loneliness to hover.
This feeling kept chasing me from a time to another, but it had to vanish. And actually, parts of it appear here or there sometimes.
People in college (and perhaps everywhere else)differ in their latency and in the creeds they obey. And all of that makes my mind either to whoosh or to wobble.
There is mummery of determinism (and I spent a long time to find this word as the suitable), devoicing the letters, yocking and disorienting.
Many are mouthy with dreams find a termination at the borders of my new place (I mean the college).
I can add, I, for the firs time realised the meaning of selfishness, and I am not going to discuss it. And I was shocked, because it’s a place to create people to give, sacrifice and make others happy.
However, there many other students who deserve all the admirstion and respect, including those who have come from their very far cities to Mosul to continue their studying, since the university of Mosul is one of the best universities in Iraq.
and I remember when we were working on the computer in Computer science lecture, when i typed "we are here, feeling so proud and thankful to God for he gave us a gift of joining this college. It's a voice inside us who tells us to work and serve our country and dear people", and this got an attention and acception from the students.
It’s a soul bed with two edges, either the highness or the low level, and both will be immortal, since they are man's decision.
One Saturday,I needed to visit the doctor, and when he knew I'm in the same college graduated from, he began to dilate life there, and how hard it is. He spent very long years of studying, and gave so much, especially for the last four years when he weekly received threatening sheets.
He was happy though.. it was a so shy happiness.
Here, a simple picture forms about the meaning of happiness. Happiness means to give, to sacrifice, and to share all of these with whom you love.
They were mornings I will not forget maybe.
The other morning, there was a cat, a bench and a tree. I soon wanted to take out the ball I brought there, but I hesitated and never did. They say we are old enough to leave the ball, the doll, the puzzle, and the swing.
But they are all things bring happiness to my life. And I really feel ashamed to leave them.
Disproportion is found to explain a way to understand the dispensation and ditheism.
But the way has not completed yet to understand a part of the happiness.
And maxims are spread all over the world, I should fine one, or I'm following a one and need a bit of relaxation.
Amongst all these things, and as the hours pass, the purple coloured flower is trying to hide…
Although I am late, give me a chance to say " happy new year".
لنكن ارواحا راقيه, نتسامى عن سفاسف الامور, وعن كل ما يخدش نقاءنا.
نحترم ذاتنا ونحترم الغير.
عندما نتحدث, نتحدث بعمق, نطلب بأدب و نشكر بذوق.
نعتذر بصدق.
نترفع عن التفاهات والقيل والقال
نحب بصمت, نغضب بصمت , وان اردنا الرحيل, نرحل بصمت
Sandybelle
P.S. thanks for all the sweet emails I received, thanks for all the wishes and prayers. And excuse me for the long time absence.
