I'm happy

This morning, a taste of happiness.

Just few days ago, i was wondering about it, and this morning, I tested it. And I really hope, it will never run away.

I started the day with a wonderful call. Then, I received a text message, my friends are back together now, M and C, they know themselves ;)

I just want to tell them, you are both great and wonderful, but you are greater and more wonderful when you are together!

And I love you so much!

M told me he may come to the homeland this year!! and i am extremely eager, and waiting.

I like every moment I spent with them, everything I learnt from them, and every word they said to me.

M, A, C, B as well as H..

My friends, you did never leave my mind, and you will never do.

Wherever you are, just stay safe and always be happy.

Sandybelle

Purple coloured flowers

It's like I forgot or became afraid of all what I possessed and still there , and got nothing more except a new method of respiration.

That morning , I –unlike the all- appeared so careless about the place I was going to. Or.. perhaps I forgot to care, orrrr , it could be an eagerness and longing to meet two men I had not known the very well about them, despite the fact that they are brothers of my father's own.

It was a sunny day, and as if zephyr was sent by Helios to hug the path I passed..
It was the first day I felt I anticipated an adventure. And I was not wrong with that feeling at all.
expectation with lazy looks.

New faces and people I had not met before.. boys and girls.. all trying to be the star.

It’s a source of sarcasm to remember the fear that captured me when I was looking at one of them with so surprised eyes. He was so fat with light brown hair, with age of probably 23 years. I am sure if it was supposed to see him somewhere else, I wouldn’t fear the matter, or even not to notice, but since it was all there.. it was really a strange thing..
Everything I touched was as something from space.. or it was a monodrama that only one person knew about, and this person was me.

I also met Ahmed, a young man older than me with five years. I used to fight him when I was 13. it caused a terrific headache to wait for him for long hours to go back home ,with my two other friends, at his school gate.
Ahmed came and said hello like a noble man, and I laughed in my sleeve and brought to mind all the rules I already had learnt of good behavior inside the college : don’t bend your back forward.. slowly chew your food.. don’t you run and calmly speak!
He narrated many stories about the new place, professors, hospital, illness, hard study, and students. They were things I already knew, but they had a special taste to be heard directly from someone lived the moment.
His speech was like "macaronic" , and I stood the first half perfectly well and I was impressed, but the second half was out of my ken, although he did never use complex terms, or maybe I didn’t concentrate about that much talking.

Saba' heavily kept holding my hand and distinctly looked so glad to introduce me to everything there, everyone and every spot.

Everybody was happy, and everybody explained the happiness in a different way, and I took a turn to find a happiness for my own.

Saba' and I had a cup of coffee ,then she needed to go for a lecture, we promised to meet at 12 a.m.
I exchanged looks into the eyes with girls I knew from my secondary school. And the makeover they used was horrible!
Then, myself and I were alone.
The time shouldn’t seem to hang heavy.
I wanted to stare at any piece of matter to kill the time, and later I found myself staring at a purple coloured flower.
"Purple ..flower", I dinged.
And I remembered his face ; however, I don’t usually forget it.
We were little. We were together. We always built houses and trains by cubes, as well as castles. We sang together and made birthday parties.
And I was happy with all of that.
Once we had a walk together in a garden full of purple coloured flowers, and they took a photo for us.
No one knows how life goes.
And now, I don’t know where he may be, or how, or does he remember all those times like I do?!
If I met him, I would thank him, I would remind him of the purple flowers. And I would praise the happiness we had. We were real, honest and great despite our little wishes.

Whenever I see purple coloured flowers, I think back about that day. the happiness of that day.And fate chose I shouldn’t do so much, so, I didn’t see any purple coloured flowers after that day except 5 times, including my first day in college.
Five times i really was happy.

The next day –the second day in college- I went to the same place where I saw the purple flower and it was not there!
Perhaps I was wrong, and all those thoughts were a share of an unneeded keek.

And the aim to find the happiness was awake. And it was like a story about how man can be happy or stay happy if he was originally.

And attempts follow to remember other times I was happy.
Most of the goals didn’t pass the lines I stepped back into indeed. Or, it's maybe an exaggeration to dispraise myself.

I remember once when snow dewy slept, and the yard before my room window was almost totally white. I soon put on the coat and ran outside, Rita ( our neighbor from Russia who is married to an Iraqi man) kept teaching us how to make a snowman.
I kept walking in the yard, and I had a faith that I could go to any place I wanted to go to.

The next days in college were hazy in nature, and called a sense of loneliness to hover.
This feeling kept chasing me from a time to another, but it had to vanish. And actually, parts of it appear here or there sometimes.
People in college (and perhaps everywhere else)differ in their latency and in the creeds they obey. And all of that makes my mind either to whoosh or to wobble.
There is mummery of determinism (and I spent a long time to find this word as the suitable), devoicing the letters, yocking and disorienting.
Many are mouthy with dreams find a termination at the borders of my new place (I mean the college).
I can add, I, for the firs time realised the meaning of selfishness, and I am not going to discuss it. And I was shocked, because it’s a place to create people to give, sacrifice and make others happy.
However, there many other students who deserve all the admirstion and respect, including those who have come from their very far cities to Mosul to continue their studying, since the university of Mosul is one of the best universities in Iraq.
and I remember when we were working on the computer in Computer science lecture, when i typed "we are here, feeling so proud and thankful to God for he gave us a gift of joining this college. It's a voice inside us who tells us to work and serve our country and dear people", and this got an attention and acception from the students.

It’s a soul bed with two edges, either the highness or the low level, and both will be immortal, since they are man's decision.
One Saturday,I needed to visit the doctor, and when he knew I'm in the same college graduated from, he began to dilate life there, and how hard it is. He spent very long years of studying, and gave so much, especially for the last four years when he weekly received threatening sheets.
He was happy though.. it was a so shy happiness.

Here, a simple picture forms about the meaning of happiness. Happiness means to give, to sacrifice, and to share all of these with whom you love.

They were mornings I will not forget maybe.
The other morning, there was a cat, a bench and a tree. I soon wanted to take out the ball I brought there, but I hesitated and never did. They say we are old enough to leave the ball, the doll, the puzzle, and the swing.
But they are all things bring happiness to my life. And I really feel ashamed to leave them.

Disproportion is found to explain a way to understand the dispensation and ditheism.
But the way has not completed yet to understand a part of the happiness.
And maxims are spread all over the world, I should fine one, or I'm following a one and need a bit of relaxation.
Amongst all these things, and as the hours pass, the purple coloured flower is trying to hide…

Although I am late, give me a chance to say " happy new year".

لنكن ارواحا راقيه, نتسامى عن سفاسف الامور, وعن كل ما يخدش نقاءنا.
نحترم ذاتنا ونحترم الغير.
عندما نتحدث, نتحدث بعمق, نطلب بأدب و نشكر بذوق.
نعتذر بصدق.
نترفع عن التفاهات والقيل والقال
نحب بصمت, نغضب بصمت , وان اردنا الرحيل, نرحل بصمت

Sandybelle

P.S. thanks for all the sweet emails I received, thanks for all the wishes and prayers. And excuse me for the long time absence.

Just to thank

Arthur is a nickname for someone i like to thank.

"thanks for helping me to survive"
I know, "thank you" is not enough, but I believe it can explain.
Many of the difficulties were turned into easy and simple things. your surprise added the colour for the hard days I passed through recently.

May God protect you, and give you so much happiness with whom you love.

Deeply surprised and thankful.

Sandybelle

Randomly

'Embarrassed'
The mascot piece has slipped away , it is so shameful that I didn't have an energy to pick it up. Coldness renders the fingers as marks of gooseflesh.
Since it is,
Winter..
and it means,
Rain..

*life*

Never did notice the monotony wraith baffling the brains wrinkles, stealing my concentration faculty.
Humble attempts to spin reeds instead of wool, normally, that would make pricks, so by any means, I can notice that wraith some soon minute.
So weird to say, but I recently realized that reed is better than wool in bringing warmness *passion* . simple stuff gives people life.
Reed.. Rain.. Iraq.. All of them leave a huge space when the true morales are not shown, and when the balderdash is appointed the chairman.
I miss Iraq while I am in my own Iraq.. *Crossroads*


Janus! The door is on the jar, waiting to release every freedom pleasedly.
Sir,
"Random words.. so much to talk about especially that your voice echo still follows my hair waves everywhere I go.
Unstable desires explain good reasons , they were unforgettable days."

Balefire..
* THANK GOD*

Thank you all, something you gave, so much could save.
Baba called us yesterday, the last medical report says that my mother is completely recovered..
Mama called us today, talked to everyone, I have not heard her voice for two months, things refused to strengthen the tongue to speak, but things finally have obeyed.
Thanks for everyone prayed for us, everyone thought of us, thanks for your support and encouragement. Thanks so much!


The mascot piece rolls..
It's
Winter..
Life..
Rain..

We had many bad haird days, and we cried so loud. Now, we are happy, and we look forward to the future, look up to her name which is so high, which is saved in our hearts, our souls and which submerges with our blood drops.
The most precious person.



Balance of mind my mom taught us incinerates the difficulties. And I.. I did all my best, never kept any iota for me or my own.. never..

Like if the light kindly lolls down. A dark sky.. lightning.. thunder..
Oh, how macabrely thunder had frightened me! And winds storming used to tease me and lumber my chamber of confused intentions. But this time, all brought good news.
It's
Winter..
Life..
Rain..
Pain matrix.. I know it is still existed..still here and almost everywhere.. But I need a pause, there's a jolt to let everything come to its suitable place. I admit, lately I found out I had established many places for anarchy in my life style and it led me to be in a very bad temper, so hard to create a "mutation", but the bright side is what I need is only "arrangement" and "mutation" will be very well done.

Altough it may appear so close to bring noise, but I just like it,
Rain..

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I'm so glad for my sister, I see her doing well in the school , I was scared to death in the beginning! As if it was my homework and my study, but she always hints to my past, and her usual and favourite question to any teacher in the first meeting is :
" Madame? Madame? Do you know my sister?"

*And talking starts about Sandybelle*

Nowadays, mightily I become happy to hold a textbook and keep teaching my sisters and giving them pieces of advice, as if you would understand completely that I was in love with textbooks..(Such an irony)!
What always gave me headache that may make anyone looking for a bandeau here or there to wear, now, it gives me happiness, especailly when I listen to their voices tunes praising my excellent (as they say) teaching and saying "Why don't you become a teacher? Why don’t you come to our class and teach us and our classmates there? We all will get the full marks!".. With great honour, I repeat it again, "spoiled sisters".
LOL

Every day my sister brgins me my teacher's greetings and best wishes, with offers of help, because I was not only a student, not only a friend, not only a daughter , vut also someone they all feel proud of and remember with smiles. They remember all my banterings.
It was my jaw breaker to say "I love the school" , but now, I really do say it with such a confidence, " I love the school".

Hmmm ,something else I should admit, I AM IN LOVE WITH TEACHING and really it is one of my dreams to stand before a bunch of students and drawing many letters on the board ;however teaching devices have developed and maybe in my time there'll be no need for a board pen in Iraq.
*but* I AM IN LOVE WITH MEDICINE TOO, my mom has actually solved it by saying " you should study so hard so you can be a professor in the college, you'll find many students to teach there. Like me and your dad" she is totally right with this, and I'll be free with any teaching way I take on.
However, I made my choice, it's so hard, medicine , the goal that tells to sacrifice and remember the humane feelings that some people almost forgot.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Only what remained of this holiday الي مفتهمت منها شي طبعا
Is *one week*, and I think I'll spend it by : sleeping, cooking, playing by the jigsaw puzzles and lamenting my destiny that I couldn't go to the amusement city to enjoy the merry-go-round :D

Many things became like a so far mirage, it only helps to mull and put an end by a conclusion, there are other miens we have.

There is a city I pray to visit, where I like to wear alabaya with two books , some places to long for and stay in for a very long while. Just to feel a right I really innerly miss..
The other night, covering my little sister with a thick blanket , I could know it.
Sandybelle

this post was written last night, when I received an unexpected email from someone I love so much.

Yesterday was made of blood.

Excuse me to publish another post talking about explosions. its the unavoided truth.. Near the ministry of justice and other places.
Congratulations for all torment, blood, explosions and slaying makers. They made us cry again!

Icarian

So tranquille, so fine.
Hmmm, It’s a path I have already learnt walking ..
Feelings attack. Yes, let the music start and let it be reborn..

"yore" , not weird to smile and repeat.

Well, there are little girls everywhere, intending to cry and scream, "have I screamed the same day? "I ask myself . " oh, I remember, mom came with me, no, I didn’t scream, but I was afraid of many things, afraid that I might not be able to bring nunu my favorite doll,I might meet people I had not known. Yes, all that happened, but it passed, heavenly whispers!" I add.
Stickers are held in some hand. Its another once to feel, I miss myself..
How we could wait for the car, to look at the people passing us by. Never dreamed of slowing down to catch this moment.. to remember… all turned to memories.. other goodies are pushed aside.

Did we know, how hearts beat so hard? so quickly? how breathings dance throughout the lungs? Or how the molecules make aesthetics , accure and run to find an alcove.
Alas! Good things I forgot to do, forgot to remember to do, and good things I didn’t notice. I can see all this only now and..emm.. and I can understand it. Good people have gone, and good people will be got. only praying for a peaceful termintation is enough to acknowledge I should be glad.

Good souls..
Rest in peace!you are just so free and no sack will surround you till you get sick of freedom and prefer returning to the bodies.
You are just so free.

Satchels..
Now , I realize and believe in their power.

Words..
" home.. fire.. pipe.. beak.. boat.. way" the first words I learnt in school.

Mornings..
One morning, before all my school pupils, I had to yodel. There were many seducing descants I was ready to hear, and I did so well indeed. time can never let any of them be missed.. they still do their echo.

Not a miracle to be able to remember, it was not ark age.. it was only eleven years ago..
Once we had a lesson , a new text to learn writing and more terms, it was about a boy and how he had a dream of visiting a forest and meeting all the animals there.. I avouch it made me believed in satyr . and nowadays, I miss all those beliefs even though the matter tells me to start a speech of sarcasm!

Hesitation..
Ok..
To enter the school, hmm, not a big deal, even no need to take off my shoes!

The same voice is heard, leads me to shuttle.. " I am .. I cant.. how..hmm" soliloquizing the self..

No help, nothing can be avoided, and I cant hide inside myself.

"Emergence.. hmmm. Many times I tried to show, to prove its being close to my emotions, Could it belong to people? To me? I am one of them!

"ouch! I see I should stop thinking. Its like ways inside this stiff head became so adhesive!".

Knocking..

"Good morning!" I begin.
The headmistress stands and in return, '' good morning!".

Exchanged looks into the eyes.

"Shams??" she adds.

"yes." An answer.
Sympathetic usual deeds by a wonderful ma'am. First, I think I have got used and maybe bored of all that, but it happens, and the feelings attack is back!


" how are you? Where are you? Your family? No one is with you.. where are your parents? Sisters?"

-it was my and it is my sisters' primary school-

Telling a little part of the story. eyes become wet. No hand to dry them out.

"and i just came today to ask about the lessons, classes and to take SR's -my sister which is 11 years old- personal card. Its her turn to leave this happy place. She has been accepted to the same secondary school that I had joined. Other thing of my own, a job to register her officially!" I add.


"schools are bequeathed" she says with a smile!
Lol

Conversation follows, then, tears of good-bye.

Damn! Why its hard to say good-bye?!!!!

….. steps are equal to each other. Made by high heel shoes, just to show my normal age, not less, not more..

"Shams? Do you know how long you made me wait?" the driver blames!
"oh , you , please, not your turn to admonish. Please.. " I try to declaim.
"ok .. ok .. I am sorry!ok , I swear this wont be repeated, you are free, you can spend all the times you need while I am waiting." an unneeded apology with unexpected words, I think he got a lot to learn talking too much!

Then, to my secondary school which is now "was my secondary school".

"Shams!" the guard says.
To be honest, I didn’t wish to see him and…and I don’t know why.

" yore!" I think again.
Other feelings rebound after an attack against the heart and mind's walls.. and myth has it that heart and mind don’t know peripfery. The myth shimmers while the lashes flutter.

Another sound of a voice calling me.. a teacher.
" oh, ma'am!" I start with ladies behaviors.
Girls I knew show simper that my emotions snooze!

She is one of those I love so much, for three years I have known her, and only what was known is that she is angry most of the time, but for me, it was a good way to destroy a barrier.. I just love her.

Other teachers come and gather around me, the ashen spots of the skirt seem to turn to silver.
The only question I remember very well " how did you spend Eid? Without your parents? Without your relatices!" and I was like " Ordinary days!".

Shrunk arteries..
Simmering blood..
Thrown detritus...
It’s a derelict home.. the acme that I always look up to.
A Snuff.. remains of a candle has been lighting up since I was born..
No worries! It’s a kind of pleasure I used to be!

"Everything is done. Let me go home.. maybe little sisers are still asleep. It’s the first day, but my turn to come to see how things are going.. such spoiled siblings!" lol.

Back home..
A mirror,a reflection on the wall, normal phenomenon, I don’t know why I care at all.
I come to check this place almost 24 times a day and did never pay attention! This time, I care..if I have a look upon the reflection and sing doesn’t mean I take more than I give.. I have been waiting this minute. "let me step back and mention other people. I guess I am worthy of all HE gave me. I did my job.. such an experience! So huge!".
I have been looking for warm places, I have been following growth of a leaf, and have been contemplating. *things I had made fun of once.

Days pass..

Mom is back!!
Tired, weak body, unable to eat with sore tongue and pharynx, unable to speak, alive with liquids. That’s how she is.. chemo and radio therapies side effects.. it needs time to recover completely. Danger is away now ,this is the great thing I was waiting.
The main thing I kept talking of is I have the right to vote in the soon elections!!





............
Spend nights awake. As an average, 8 days with 30 hours of sleeping.. no matter, mom is here.. she is back to us.. back to me..and other duty is to take care of her.
Daddy, someone I missed so much but no matter what happens, I am not going to tell him how much I love him. Yes, I will never do.



.............
Petriffactions of those hard times will always call for God's power to be sent in any time I need it.

There is a difference between the black and white, and also between the azure and orange! Other lies I trusted.

I've been sad for whiles , now, I know I should find some antidote, its right that heart's parts can't be agglutinated, but through the peephole I may see the light!

It was a period I lived, period makes me unwilling to learn about any apobgue, real stories give so much more, stories we feel and tell.
It may lead the goals to be spread pell-mell, but not a long time till they get united, get arranged … delectation..

Ladies and gentlemen, "she agonized and she got analgesia!".

Many things are considered now so pall. There is so much to learn, so much to be healed.
No one I know as well as me have leant palmistry ; however, I am not doing the least to learn, just surprises should appear, and all I must do is WAITING.

The paramount dream of the seventeen years has come true!
Let me clean the roads, and get well-dressed, it’s an hour to start a new life.
College.. medicine..

(Panoramic pause)..

……

"Pantheism , Causality, Altruism" and something known as "parchment".. factors are produced.
Brushing my siser's hair and caressing her before leaving have the wonderful taste.

Right now, there's a question,
" if I reached the apogee what would I do??" ..lol!

There is an aria..

"alleluia!"

Shams

P.S special thanks go to Zak, my godfather.