14 Nov 2008

Whispers to my mom

" Has anyone told you I'm not breathing? has anyone said I'm not here? but I have the question, was I really there?
Mom, so great is my pain.. I can't move it, I can't smile again..
Mom, if I smiled, I wouldn't believe it, it will be just a delusion, it was all delusion all the time over.
Mom, in the school, I stood again on the ground, I took my way to there. I didn't feel of myself , untill I was faced by the door, the celing and the window, it was of gold. Mom! I cried bitterly, I needed it indeed. I felt so lonely, so hurt. It was so cold, my body had been frozen. I couldn't endure, I think he knew I could come, had he been waiting for me to tell him? even though he knew everything?!
I felt of him, his kind looking, they were just like skylights , but please mom, do never tell him I came there if he forgot..
Mom, I sat beneath the old wall, I covered my body with his warm cloak, I kept mentioning the holly names.
Mom, he knew it is not true, it is unfair, but it is fate..
Mom, suddenly I found myself on the ground again, but it was not a dream, I was not sleeping!
The pain came again when it rained..
Rain.. Rain.. Rain..
Mom, even the raindrops felt sorry about me.
Mom, I wanted the truth, who should show me? who should tell me? the story? or who should move away my pain?
Mom, I can't tell you, I can't sadden you, if it was pain, I'm the only one who should bear, but I just don't want to close the door, I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Mom, who is to blame?
Mom, please, remind me of that tale, when the farmer could find the treasure in the place where none expected and none believed, when everybody thought of it to be like the asphalt in the street.
Mom, please, hug me when I die, and give me a kiss.
I love you mom, and I don't know how, when or from where.
Mom, maybe it is strange to talk like this, but I have no other shelter except it.
Mom, my sweet angel, may you tell me what you had spoken when you were in my age?
Mom, could you dry out my tears now? could you -as your usual- order the harm to leave my heart.
I don't want anyone to fix me, I'm not broken, I'm just hurt.
And my only wish is that all the souls to be blessed and the true peace to be spread".

I whispered while I was sitting near my mom, she was deeply sleeping after a hard day. I was holding her hand, and felt O.K to speak..
I was sad, for my friend lost her mom, and it is another miserable story,and my other friend needs a surgery, it is a so dangerous case and for seeing off a great person whom I will never forget.

You all, be safe


PS, thank you my dear friend Ali for asking bout me, I'll tell something about my lessons next time :D

6 Nov 2008


((the last post is related with this))

''Hey" , Z ( a student from my ex-class)said interrupting me while I was laughing, I with surprise turned and saw her. I replied with " hey".
- Oh, it is not your inhabit to respond like that. I got used to hear your wonderful voice saying very very warm hellos.. am I wrong?
- ah..mmm. well.. why should I respond warmly, you must be thankful that I responded. ( I said this with a great pretending to be like that way, it was too hard indeed, I have never answered someone like this..
-well, I guess, you moved to another class, why?
- why???!!! you say why??!!! you ask me?!!!! you are the ones who should realize the matter. Oh my God!! you ask me?!!!
- yes, look Soleil, let me tell you something. firstly, I really know how much you angry and i appreciate everything very well. what the girls did was awful, so awful actually.
( I began to listen attentively) but you remember it, you were standing responding to only four girls, who accused you wrongly and with very loud voice, and by the way, everyone knows how much jealous they are of you, how bad are they, and no one admires them like you. it is the real truth that no one can hide, the truth is like Soleil, like how you are, pure and great.
You were strong , you made them lose and everyone knows this, and it happened in front of our English language teacher, and if you were wrong the teacher would ask you to stop, right? yes right. but you -with all the right with you- might forget me, and many other girls in the class who love you, really love you.. many girls in the class love you Soleil and sincerely, because you are one, only one like you..
( my cheeks turned so red, and I so hardly could hide my tear)
I'm here Soleil, to tell you only one thing. we love you and we really miss you. I'm here and look there to those who are waiting for me to tell you.
( i turned and saw S, A, D, J, A, S, F, Sh, M,R, and Maf they were smiling warmly).
Would you mind coming back to our class? your mother class after joining our grade two years ago, would you mind? we miss your high and lovely spirits, your great and someimes funny comments, your ideas,your humor and decisions . your songs, way to talk and everything of you. I everytime stand secretly near your new class and begin to breathe your special perfume. the other day I breathed it and soon began to look for you.
After this talking, I had nothing to respond with,I was quite embarrassed, and I cried a little, I always get touched in this situations like it. I hugged her and from the deep bottom of my heart I thanked God that everyone knows.
For me, the human is about : soul, deeds , talking and reputation. this is what I denote my life to get the best of. I always think,today I'm standing on this area, tomorrow I may not, today I'm alive, tomorrow I might not be. i always work with the say " work for your life as you will live forever and work for your afterlife as you will die tomorrow" , I always do my best to make God's happy by making everyone around me happy.

-Z, i'm fine with my new class. I can't come back now, the headmistress has made the lists and I got my fit place. secondly, everyone in my new class loves me too and I'm happy.
-oh, you are happy?
- yes Z, yes.
- ok ok ,very nice. do you know what? i can't deny I'm so sad that you won't return. but if you are happy, so we are all happier than you, just because you are happy.
Z left with a smile...
What happened to me?
Various feelings, I was extremely happy, extremely embarrassed and confused. I hugged the tree and left it..
When I came back, I was wondering, I was contemplating my next new life, I was thinking of all the people I met.. I love those girls, no matter what happened, even though I got hurt. I thought again, yes I'm angry, so angry, but I can't hate them, I can't ...It may be a problem and may not, I'm ready to do anything to help them, if they need me they will find me.
I did many things, and the best I got as a return is people's love.

I told my mom about what happened, mom hugged me and cried a little, i didn't understand first.
she cried becuase she loves me and is proud of me.
Mom told me that a teacher ( whom I chose to teach me in a private lesson, and with my group there were girls of whom hurt me) and said that he was wondering if I'm planning to go back to his lessons, he said that he had a trouble with the girls and they talked badly about me in front of him too, but he didn't listen. although he has no business with the problem, but they just tried to make him hate me. They failed down.

Many times i don't understand people, why do they hurt each other? WHY???
Is this what The Lord asks us to do? Or may the human instinct them diffuses those bad desires inside them?!!!!!
Everyone has his/her own way, and I can never change mine.
I spent that evening making fun with my sisters, I made many funny hairdos , it was a great happiness after frustration.
I kept saying prayers for a long time that night before sleeping. I really adore God.
The next day, after a long day at school, i came back, and wanted to change my spirit , I wanted to do something, I was still wearing the uniform, suddenly mom opened the door, she had just come, I asked her about daddy, she said he brought her home,and went to the baker's. I felt sad soon, but I headed quickly for our house main door, daddy was not there, he had gone.
I took my way to our garage back. " hm..hm.. did anyone want to go with me to the baker's?" daddy said!!! he saw me through the mirror and came back, i soon got in the car, I hugged daddy, there was a young woman walking, she saw me, and guess what she said
" oh sir, how nice is your daughter? oh, her innocent face, sure , 12 years old! :D"
I was full of a surprise!! 12? or 16!!
Today, i kept listening happily to our national anthem as the scout girls were raising the flag. cool breathe is in the morning, and it is a breeze of new hopes...

PS, the situation is so-so. On Wednesday, the roads were blocked to our school , I need to walk along the street, there was an inspection in the neighborhood.
The nationla guards face so so hard circumstances, and many difficulties, but it is a wonderful sheen I see into their eyes..
I met teacher S whom I mentioned in my last post, and she kept talking to me for a long time, she is an onld ma'am and I really love to get expeience from people like her.I'm doing well with my exams and in school, I'm happy but so so exhausted :) :) :)

3 Nov 2008

C'etait splendide

Weird is the life, ridiculous and meaningful. But day by day, I get amazed, it is not as simple as I many times think, and not as clear as the raindrop.
To school I go every day, in school I meet classmates, teachers and friends. but I have never thought of terrorism to be found in school!!!
Many teachers taught me all the four years ago, and this year is the last one, it is my duty to remember those days when I meet these high men, who gave me, supported me and encouraged me.
I love to mention my physics teacher, whom I love to call "Barbie" , my history teacher whom I call "the modest philosopher" , my chemistry teacher who is well known as " hope ma'am" ,and my mathematics teacher whom I love very much and consider the good ever.
The two years ago, in Arabic class, a young teacher "A" was responsible for our grade, and no one among the students suffered of her teaching, she's got the Mc degree. and she every time brought a new very big book to let's write down many notes about our mother language, she really loves me too much, and she's taken my phone number (like five other teachers), she was calling me from time to time in the summer vacation to ask about me and how I was doing with my private lessons, she is just like all the other teachers who consider me the best student ever, and trust me to a very great extent. but as you know, every teacher has her/his own way to express his/her feelings towards the students, yet, she has hers.
For many years ago, the teacher"S" who has a very good experience in teaching, was responsible for the sixth grade, and no girl suffered, many girls got high marks depending on her teaching only, she loves me very much, and I admire her greatly too.
The last days of my vacation brought many many calls from my teacher A, indeed, she adored the idea of teaching us this year too, and she called me asking me whether the girls like her or not and whether they mind if she teaches us or not.
For me, I found out that it was too hard to guess the fit opinions, becuase many girls tried to show the opposite of what they hid of feelings, it is normal, so I asked her to wait until the first day, at that time, she would ask the girls herself and it will be clearly known, even though she had asked the girls last year, and most of them agreed and the others hadn't given any opinion..
She entered the class, the girls began to exchange looks, the reality was that they didn't want her to teach us this year, they preferred S ( the opposite of what they chose last year). to talk about my opinion, I told them that I like and admire both S and A, and I don't care about the matter, I want them both, and I prefer that they make the decision, it is not my business, it is the headmistress's and the teachers'.
And I told the girls, if they didn't like A, they should go directly to either her or the headmistress to explain the matter, so, there wouldn't be any problem, we had to behave well.
I advised them..
But what happened, they began to talk badly in front of the other teachers about A, saying that she has never been fine and that they don't like her teaching. Every time, they asked me to speak out with the other teachers, and every time I explain my idea for them again.
Until that morning, when they (without taking the permission, saying that it is a democracy, and I'm still wondering , is it a democracy that you talk badly about someone and you don't tell him/her? or is it democracy that you don't admire the others' opinions? or is it democracy that you don't face the one you have a problem with and tell him/her about the matter to reach the best resulty without any fighting? the very great problem is that they don't understand what democracy means, they use the wrong meaning, the wrong way) made an election among each other to vote for either A or S, I didn't share them, and I said "look, I say it again, I don't like this idea at all, it should belong to the headmistress, not to me, I won't vote, I'm sorry". every girl else voted..
It went on, but later,they began to talk badly about me, and why? because I didn't vote, one of them "Sa" who always pretended to be good said " ok, soleil, tell us, what is your choice? S orA?"
Indeed, I love both A and S, and I told her " I don't care, I want them both, and anyone likes to teach us I will agree, my manners refure that I give a valuation about any teacher". she didn't admire my opinion, and made the other girls feel the same way, it was like a battle against me, until I spoke..
It was English class, when Sa came again to talk badly about me again, but I stood there, alone, and expressed my thought in front of the teacher who really admired me for that.. I reminded the girls of my pieces of advise, my admiration towards them , then , they announced the war, but the funny is that I didn't prefer to be the enemy, so, it was a war, but against whom???
I went to the headmistress and her assistants and told them about the problem, I was surprised by what they said, it was..
" look Soleil, all the teachers love you, admire you and respect all your opinions, you have always been the wise and wonderful student for us. your classmates love you , but it is the jealousy that prevent them from saying they love you... let them to time, they will be sorry after a while, everyone knows you, your manners and personality, everyone, so don't care, you have to take your way and focus on your studying only, some of them might hate you, like Sa, and tries to make you fail, so , the best response to them is to ignore what they do, and get your highest marks which all of us expect them to be. please Soleil, stay who you are, and never care, never think of them.. jealousy don't last for long, we know you, we know how you do, your intentions and your deeds, we know everything. We've asked the teachers who taught you in your private lessons, they all LOVE YOU GREATLY, and it is the best thing''.
I felt sad, I didn't want them to be jealous. why do they feel like that with me? why? because I really loved them? because I sincerely helped them? or because I did all my best to explain the lessons they found problems with? because I did this they feel jealous? the only thing I realize is that jealousy leads to hatred.. Most of the girls in this calss were with me in my private lessons, they saw how the teachers treated me, i still remember six of them when they said" how could you make him-talking about physics teacher-smile? do you use a charm? he never smiles!! how could you make him??!!! and the other- chemistry teacher- how could you ,make him keep your name? or know your father?". I didn't know that this talking might lead to jealousy!!!I didn't..
This is why I moved to another class, I wanted this year to be free of troubles comepletely, and I wanted myself to be full of high spirits, it is not the suitable time to get busy with silly, actually SO silly problems. and the only sincere one who cried that I left the class was Maf, I hugged her and told her that I will always be here for her, no matter what happens...
After few days, I've known that the teacher A got threatened, she had received a threatening sheet, and it was written, " you have to leave teaching the 6th grade soon, otherwise.."
I thanked God because he gave me the mind to leave that class, "otherwise.." what ? what can they do? kill her? or kill me because my opinion was not like theirs? I was afriad to death to hear this, and I'm wondering now, they are girls in teenage and they threaten, what if they reach 20s? or 30s? they will be this society women in the future, soon future, so, let me clap for them, they will give their children the fit genes, genes of terrorism....
I don't understand people sometimes, but the only thing I believe in is to make things easy and let it be as it likes to be..
the new class I moved to was different, they are all polite and prefer to stay away from troubles,they are co-operative and lovely, they loved me from the beginning and made a small party welcoming me, they said I have to refresh my brain in order to do the best, and they will put their hands in mine and I can't change my habit that I teach and explain hard subjects, I can't change it, because I believe is what I'm doing is not for me nor for them, it's for God, and only imagining how happy God will turn -when he sees me doing this- makes me forget all the problems.Now, I'm so happy with the new, the last step I will spend with them, may it be as great as I love it to be!!!
We make fun in the free time and listen to music.

English teaching system has been changed to better. my sister now in 8 age studies english, and the text books of English have been changed for the primary classes and the first grade of the high school. I'm so happy with this, is it like if they have listened attentively to me with a sight of silence :D :D ;D.. i expect more better things..

My Christain teachers have come back, I met ma'am of hope and hugged her, she gave me a piece of chocolate :D :D, haha, and I met Barbie too, everything is well now. My Christian friends have come back too, may God bless them..

PS, A is teaching us today and could destroy her fear, she surely needs to improve herself, this will happen by time, if we want something, we have to do it, we shouldn't depend on teaching like spoon-feeding.We didn't study anything in that English class that day, was is ok that we don't study just because of a silly problems?!! I will always be here, for the girls in my ex-class and for everyone else.. I'm still willing to visit S, I'm planning for this, I like all my teachers, because their message is the best ever, best as far as I believe..

This post was like an eye upon a class here, many people here don't understand what the real democracy means and how we should make good use of it.. it is a calling for all the social establishments to make the thing right..